"Zaney's Auschwitz"
by Vincent Truman, Jefrey Wilkerson and Kyle Ramos
as performed in the Suspicious Clowns' ninth show (2007)
© 2004 Vincent Truman/Suspicious Clowns

 

CHARACTERS:
Klaus, a Nazi (Jacen Kraynek)
Himmel, a concentration camp victim and standup comedian (Robert Felker)
Bimmel, his brother, also a comic (Jefrey Wilkerson)
Offstage Audience Member (Jefrey Wilkerson)

The lights come up.  

Klaus stands at attention Stage Right.

Klaus: (to audience):  Und thank you for coming for your eradication – er, relaxation.  Wilkommen auf Auschwitz, the ultimate Jewish getaway.  I am Klaus, captain of the S.S.-I mean activities coordinator.  I am captain of the activities coordinator.  

And now, as we search through your belongings for valuable items, please enjoy the comedy stylings of Himmel Weistein.


(Himmel enters looking like he is wasting away and wearing rags)

Himmel: Hey folks, how are ya?  Welcome to Zanies Auschwitz.  Everybody havin a good time? Got a drink?  You know there’s a two stagnant water minimum  You, lady, what’s your number?  That was my sister’s number!  I kid I kid, she will be missed.  What a place they’ve got set up for us, huh?  Walking around in pyjamas all day, with great little reminders on them in case we forget we’re Jewish!  Have you been to the spa?  The spa is so relaxing that people are taking naps in piles.  Watch out for the tanning booths, though.  To long and you’ll go right past sunburned to charred corpse.  Happened to my mother. 

Audience Member (offstage): Too soon!

Klaus shoots Himmel in the head.

 


Klaus:
Next!

Bimmel is pushed onstage.  He nervously takes center stage.

 

Bimmel: Oy!  Who’s from outta town here, huh?  Everyone?  Well, yeh, you never hear of people from Auchwitz, but you sure hear about ‘em going to Auchwitz.  Well, my niece didn’t come here – she wanted to go to Amsterdam to be a writer.  I’m like, what are you writing, and she’s like, a diary.  Oy!  Like that’s gonna sell!  Kids!  Anyway, I got here a week ago, on the train, anyone else take the train?  Well, and I hate to say this, but I think they lost my luggage.  And it’s funny because they made me write my name on both sides!

Klaus shoots Bimmel in the head.

 

Klaus: Let’s hear it for the self inflicted gunshot wound comedy stylings of Himmel  and Bimmel Weistein.  Now for your viewing pleasure: 

(suddenly very serious) 

relentless and unending darkness.

 

BLACKOUT.

 

About this sketch

This piece originated from our rehearsals for Sketchfest 2007.  We took a break from rehearsing another scene and started riffing about comics in Auschwitz.  It was one of those comedic tangents meant solely to amuse each other, yet the phrase "someone should write this down" cropped up as frequently as the jokes themselves.  When "Suspicious Clowns 9" was in its sketch-pitching stage, we had one comic.  I made it into two and added some comedic punctuation in the form of gunshots.  The visual joke of the horrific scenes we've all seen from the 1940s (at left) was added very late in the rehearsal process, and was so over the top, it fit snugly.

- Vincent Truman

 

 

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