original script by Jeb Cadwell; revisions by Jeb Cadwell and Vincent Truman
as performed in Suspicious Clowns' fourth show (April - May 2003)
and Suspicious Clowns' retrospective show at Second City (August 2003)
and Sketchfest 2003 (January 2003)
© 2003 Jeb Cadwell/Vincent Truman/Suspicious Clowns
Commentary on "Underground
Hotspring" by Vincent Truman
"There are certain themes or approaches that Suspicious Clowns is drawn to - one of them is to perform whole scenes in the dark. I seem to recall that 'Underground' was designed to be an all-dark scene, but that may have come later. I quite like dark scenes, especially this one, as it allows the audience to use their imagination more than regular scenes. This scene is particularly good because of the characters' very, very different approaches to life and love. The performances by Lauren Ryland and Jeb Cadwell in the scene were highlights of the entire show. It is easily one of my favorite scenes, not just of our April show, but of all the Clowns' performances."
Jake, a hitchhiking sex-fiend
ne'er-do-well good spirit (Jeb Cadwell)
Lorna, a Zen-drenched cosmically-conscious new age tour guide (Lauren Ryland)
Uncle Travis (Robert Felker)
STAGE STAYS BLACK.
(entering with Jake)
anyway, I just liked how you said this is bullshit on the tour
it really resonated with me. Watch your head.
Thats great. Where are we now?
Someplace I never take people on the regular tour. Be careful. Let me light a candle.
(she lights a candle)
Its the underground hotspring. Were a mile under the canyon right here.
(not really interested)
Alright. So how long have you lived in Arizona?
I do not perceive that I live in Arizona. I live in the state of bliss.
Yeh, OK. Bullshit, but ok.
Exactly, Jake the material world is bullshit. Youre right. We are all on journeys, quests
and adventures. Thats why Im a tour guide. You havent said what yours is, Jake.
My folks kicked me out and Ive been hitchhiking ever since.
I do not understand.
(adopting faux-dramatic voice)
Oh my elders came to me in a dream and told me to travel amongst the world. Better?
I hear you. Thats why I come here to the hotsprings I feel so clear.
You can feel energy rising from the water it is truly a sacred and humbling place of peace.
(dismissive, onto to the next topic)
Oh, hey, thanks for the blowjob. Want a beer?
Ha-ha Jake. The guardians of this canyon vortex dont partake of alcohol.
Ill drink it then. Hey want to see me turn beer into urine?
God, its my good power-spot.
Jake, make love to me.
(throws beer away)
Whatever you want to call it
Jake drops his pants and lies on the ground. Placing the candle behind them [upstage, producing a silhouette effect], Lorna stands over him, feeling her power spot rise. Jake, feeling his own kind of power spot rising, starts humming 'boom-pa-pa-pow" porn music as Lorna lowers herself onto his crotch. A moment later, Jake cums.
I love you. I LOVE YOU. Yes thats what I wanted!
I take knives and cut slits in my feet until I bleed myself to unconsciousness, I Love You.
But with you, I feel I am healing. I choose life with you.
Cool. You want to get up now?
Jake, you are so cute. My boss at Whole Foods raped me, and I had cancer,
and my chemotherapist raped me.
Whoa! You worked at Whole Foods?
Jake, you have made me a very happy spirit by filling me with your seed.
Um, youre welcome. Seriously can you get up? These rocks are hot.
I feel we are meant to be. I know what youre thinking, "she cannot fill me with her seed
it is not possible". But thats what you want, isnt it, Jake?
(gets up, pulls up pants)
Uh, yeh, sure.
(hugs him passionately)
I am so filled with light and love to hear you say that. Uncle Travis!
Uncle Travis, clothed in nothing but a loin cloth with the words 'LOIN CLOTH' on it, enters.
This is Jake. Fill him full of your seed.
Hey, wait a second.
It is ok, Jake. Uncle Travis and I are family, so it is as close to me putting my seed in you
as we can get on this temporal plane.
Come on, boy. This wont hurt none. Less'n you struggle.
Hey, I didnt come here for this!
Oh, I understand, Jake. How rude of us. Here Ill blow out the candle.
She does. The sound of a gruesome, terrible attack is heard amid Jakes screaming.
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