UNDERGROUND HOTSPRING v2
original script by Jeb Cadwell; revisions by Jeb Cadwell and Vincent Truman
as performed in Suspicious Clowns' fourth show (April - May 2003)
and Suspicious Clowns' retrospective show at Second City (August 2003)

and Sketchfest 2003 (January 2003)
2003 Jeb Cadwell/Vincent Truman/Suspicious Clowns

Commentary on "Underground Hotspring" by Vincent Truman
"There are certain themes or approaches that Suspicious Clowns is drawn to - one of them is to perform whole scenes in the dark. I seem to recall that 'Underground' was designed to be an all-dark scene, but that may have come later. I quite like dark scenes, especially this one, as it allows the audience to use their imagination more than regular scenes. This scene is particularly good because of the characters' very, very different approaches to life and love. The performances by Lauren Ryland and Jeb Cadwell in the scene were highlights of the entire show. It is easily one of my favorite scenes, not just of our April show, but of all the Clowns' performances."

Jake, a hitchhiking sex-fiend ne'er-do-well good spirit (Jeb Cadwell)
Lorna, a Zen-drenched cosmically-conscious new age tour guide (Lauren Ryland)
Uncle Travis (Robert Felker)

STAGE STAYS BLACK.

Lorna (entering with Jake)
…anyway, I just liked how you said ‘this is bullshit’ on the tour –
it really resonated with me. Watch your head.

Jake
That’s great. Where are we now?

Lorna
Someplace I never take people on the regular tour. Be careful. Let me light a candle.
(she lights a candle)
It’s the underground hotspring. We’re a mile under the canyon right here.

Jake
(not really interested)
Alright. So how long have you lived in Arizona?

Lorna
I do not perceive that I live in Arizona. I live in the state of bliss.

Jake
Yeh, OK. Bullshit, but ok.

Lorna
Exactly, Jake… the material world is bullshit. You’re right. We are all on journeys, quests
and adventures. That’s why I’m a tour guide. You haven’t said what yours is, Jake.

Jake
My folks kicked me out and I’ve been hitchhiking ever since.

Lorna
I do not understand.

Jake
(adopting faux-dramatic voice)
Oh… my elders came to me in a dream and told me to travel amongst the world. Better?

Lorna
I hear you. That’s why I come here to the hotsprings… I feel so clear.
You can feel energy rising from the water – it is truly a sacred and humbling place of peace.

Jake
(dismissive, onto to the next topic)
Oh, hey, thanks for the blowjob. Want a beer?

Lorna
Ha-ha Jake. The guardians of this canyon vortex don’t partake of alcohol.

Jake
I’ll drink it then. Hey want to see me turn beer into urine?

Lorna (Looking up)
God, it’s my good power-spot.
(To Jake)
Jake, make love to me.

Jake
(throws beer away)
Whatever you want to call it…

Lorna
Come here.

Jake drops his pants and lies on the ground. Placing the candle behind them [upstage, producing a silhouette effect], Lorna stands over him, feeling her power spot rise. Jake, feeling his own kind of power spot rising, starts humming 'boom-pa-pa-pow" porn music as Lorna lowers herself onto his crotch. A moment later, Jake cums.

Jake
Oops.

Lorna (Still kissing)
I love you. I LOVE YOU. Yes – that’s what I wanted!

Jake (Kissing)
Cool.

Lorna
I take knives and cut slits in my feet until I bleed myself to unconsciousness, I Love You.
But with you, I feel I am healing. I choose…life with you.

Jake
Cool. You want to get up now?

Lorna
Jake, you are so cute. My boss at Whole Foods raped me, and I had cancer,
and my chemotherapist raped me.

Jake
Whoa! You worked at Whole Foods?

Lorna
Jake, you have made me a very happy spirit by filling me with your seed.

Jake
Um, you’re welcome. Seriously – can you get up? These rocks are hot.

Lorna
(gets up)
I feel we are meant to be. I know what you’re thinking, "she cannot fill me with her seed –
it is not possible". But that’s what you want, isn’t it, Jake?

Jake
(gets up, pulls up pants)
Uh, yeh, sure.

Lorna
(hugs him passionately)
I am so filled with light and love to hear you say that. Uncle Travis!

Uncle Travis, clothed in nothing but a loin cloth with the words 'LOIN CLOTH' on it, enters.

Uncle
Lorna?

Lorna
This is Jake. Fill him full of your seed.

Uncle
Ok then.

Jake
Hey, wait a second.

Lorna
It is ok, Jake. Uncle Travis and I are family, so it is as close to me putting my seed in you
as we can get on this temporal plane.

Uncle
Come on, boy. This won’t hurt none. Less'n you struggle.

Jake
Hey, I didn’t come here for this!

Lorna
Oh, I understand, Jake. How rude of us. Here – I’ll blow out the candle.

She does. The sound of a gruesome, terrible attack is heard amid Jake’s screaming.

 

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