ROLES:
Justin: a reluctant kidnapper
Mike: an eager hostage
Julie: an unwilling hostage

Two chairs onstage, separated by a few feet.  Julie is tied up. Offstage, you can hear a guy (Mike) being beaten horribly.  Julie listens in fear.  The kidnapper (Justin), with a wild look in his eyes, drags Mike back in and ties him to the second chair. Justin waves a gun at both of them insanely.  Julie cowers.

Justin: That’ll teach you, you piece of shit.

Julie: Please!  I don’t want to die!

Justin: Shut the fuck up!  I don’t wanna have to fuckin’ gag you, or worse! 

Mike: (to Julie) It’s ok, just don’t piss him off, he’ll let us go when…

Justin: (to Mike) Shut it bitch!  What, do you think I’m gonna treat you special cause you’re trying to cooperate?  You saw where that got you!

Mike: You’re right, you’re right. 

Justin: You’re right, I’m right.  Don’t you forget it, punk.  Got it?  Got it??

Mike:  Yes, yes.

Justin:  Good.  And now I’m going to check on how… the negotiations are going! And I’m going to use the phone in the other room so… so you two don’t know how they’re going!  Ahhhhhhh! 

Justin exits, with an angry and determined stride.  Julie looks at Mike, tears in her eyes.

Julie: Oh my god… are you okay?  What did he do to you?

Mike: He pistol whipped me again, in the knee this time.

Julie: You must have incredible self-control.  I didn’t see you limping.

Mike: Oh.  Well, he pistol whipped me in both knees.  So I was limping, just with both legs.

Julie: When we get outta here I just want to hide under my blankets and pretend this never happened.

Mike: Yeah, me too. 

Mike pauses, then turns to Julie, smiling, upbeat.

Mike: We should have sex.

Julie:  What?

Mike: It’s the only way to put this behind us.  I took a psych course at the Discovery Center, so I know what I’m talking about.

Julie: I took a class at the Discovery Center too.  How to Meet a Real Man.

Mike: Then it’s meant to be.  Just think about it.  A lot.  (pause, then yelling offstage) Mr. Kidnapper!  I need to use the bathroom!

Justin storms in, waving the gun.  Julie ducks down her head.

Justin: (enters) What the fuck did you say?

Mike: Bathroon.  Can I use it?  Please?

Justin: Alright come on.  But no funny business!

Justin quickly unties Mike and pulls him into the audience.  As soon as they are offstage, Mike straightens up and Justin shrivels and cowers.

Mike: (o/s) Dude, this is going great!  She’s thinking about sex with me!

Justin: (o/s) Are you sure you met her at the Discovery Center?

Mike: (o/s) Meet, saw once.  What’s the difference?  She’s hot.

Justin: (o/s) I’m not so sure about this, Mike.

Mike: (o/s) What’s the problem?

Justin: (o/s) It’s just that…it’s been three days and I can’t miss any more work...

Mike: (o/s) Yeh, yeh, yeh.  Just a matter of time now.  OK, take me back.   Oh!  Pistol whip me again.

Justin: (o/s) Dude, I’ve done that like four times in the past hour.

Mike: (o/s) Yeh, but I think it’s making her like me more.

Justin: (o/s) I don’t know, man.

Mike: (o/s) Do it again, just think about the time I stole your twinkie in the third grade.

Justin: (o/s) I can only get so mad about a twinkie.

Mike: (o/s) Yeah, but think about how much you liked twinkies back then… I mean you were a little butterball.  Get the twinkie, get the twinkie fatso. 

Justin pistol whips Mike really hard.  Mike collapses.

Mike: (o/s) OWWW!

Onstage, Julie hears this.  A panicked look envelopes her face.  .

Mike: (o/s) You fucker.  I meant, hit the gun on the ground again.

Justin: (o/s) Oh!  (loudly, so Julie can hear) And take this!

Justin self-consciously taps the gun on the ground.

Mike: (o/s) Well, not now. (small beat, then loudly, for Julie's benefit) OWWWW!  (back to an offstage whisper) Good, great, let’s get back.

Justin straightens up and drags Mike, clutching himself in pain, back onstage.  Justin throws him in the chair and re-ties him.

Justin: That’ll teach you, piece of shit!  I’m gonna go make another phone call!  Ahhhhhhh!  

Justins exits, forcefully but a bit more self-consciously and aimlessly than before.

Julie: What happened?

Mike: Call me Mike.

Julie: Mike.  What happened?

Mike: Hit my knee again.

Julie: Twice?

Mike: Yes.  He hit the one knee twice, instead of each knee once.  Um. 

Julie: What are you doing that he keeps taking you out of the room and hitting you?

Mike: I tried to make a break for it.

Julie: You were going to leave me alone with him?

Mike: Oh, no, no. I was going to find a stick. 

Julie: A …

Mike:  (brightly) So, you think about sex?

Julie: I can’t even move.

Mike: Move, yeah!  You need to move!  Um, sir, Mr. kidnapper!

Justin enters again.  He seems to be losing confidence rapidly.

Justin: (semi-angrily) They weren’t home!  (beat)

Mike: I think our bonds might be cutting off our circulation and decreasing our net value for ransom.  Perhaps you could loosen them.

Justin: Perhaps you could shut the hell up!  While I traumatize you!  (not very effectively) Ahhhhhhhhh!  Yeah.  (to Julie) You – close your eyes and start singing!  You don’t want to watch this, er,  traumatization!

Julie: Oh god… (closes eyes and starts singing “Pour Some Sugar on Me”)

Justin: (to Mike) Dude, I can’t get anyone to cover my shift tonight.  I’m out of sick days.

Mike: Loosen our ropes. 

Justin: Will you cover my shift?

Mike: Stupid! 

Mike stomps on Justin’s foot.

Justin: OW!

Mike: (louder, for Julie, and to cover Justin) OW!  (softer) I can’t cover your shift if I’m having the best sex of my life, which is what I plan to be doing.  Listen, you can still make your shift – just untie us. (louder, so Julie can hear) OW!

Justin: What kind of kidnapper is going to untie his hostages?  If I was a real kidnapper I wouldn’t just untie you.

Mike: Say you need to conserve rope or something. OW!

Justin: Conserve rope?  Come on.

Mike: Just do it!  OWWWW!

Mike moves chair closer to Julie.  He sits.  Justin taps Julie on the shoulder.

Justin: Alright, um... (remembers to be angry) bitch!  I need to…conserve rope…and so I’m now tying you two together.

Julie: You need to what?

Justin: Conserve rope.

Julie: For what?

Justin: Oh!  I’m… donating it.  The extra rope.  I’m donating it to… a church.

Mike: Just do what he wants, sweetie.  Or he might want to (winks at Justin) traumatize us again.

Justin: Yeh!  That’s what I want to do!  I want to traumatize you!  (pathetically) Ahhhhhh!

Mike: Sir!

Justin: Ahhhhhh!

Mike: Mr. Kidnapper!

Justin: Ahhhhh – oh, sorry.  What?

Mike: (prompting) And tie us together. 

Justin: Right!  And tie you together!

Mike: To conserve rope.

Justin:  Right!  I’m conserving rope!

Justin moves Julie’s chair so the two hostages are back to back.

Mike: No, not back to back.  Together together.

Justin: Together together?

Mike: Yeh, you’ll conserve the most rope that way.

Justin: Oh.  OK.  (forceful)  I’ll tie you together the way I want! Which is together together.

Mike: Hey, maybe you can’t tie us together because our pants are in the way.

Julie: (to Justin) You are so forceful.

Justin: Well – yeh.

Julie: And so take-charge.

Justin: Well, I work with kids a lot.

Julie: Really?  I love kids.

Julie and Justin make strong eye contact.  Mike sees this.

Julie:  And you give to the church.  That’s so sweet.

Mike: I think the kidnapper and I need to talk again!

Julie: Look, if you could just let us go, I swear I won’t go to the cops.

Justin and Mike look at each other.

Mike: Er…(shakes head vigorously to say ‘don’t listen to her’)

Justin: O.K. (Justin starts untying her)

Julie: Really, you’re gonna let us go?

Mike: Yeah, I told him that in the bathroom.  Man to man.  I convinced him to let us go.

Julie: (to Justin) And you’re understanding! (by the middle of this line she is untied and at the start of the thank you’s, she embraces Justin)  Thank you thank you thank you!

Mike: Hey, what about the negotiator over here?

Julie: Yeah, thanks.

Mike: Look, honey, I’ve seen this before, it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.  You’re identifying with your captor as a defense mechanism.

Julie: No, it’s more than that, it’s…fate.  You know, I really like rope – in the right place.  Say a nice four-poster bed.

Justin: Oh!

Julie: (enticing Justin) Come on. (exits)

Justin: (watches her exit, then goes over to Mike) Hey, dude, cover my shift tonight.

Mike attempts to step on Justin’s foot again, but Justin is already exiting.

Mike struggles against his bonds, to no avail.