original script by Jeb Cadwell and Robert Felker with additional material by Vincent Truman
as performed but eventually edited out of "Suspicious Clowns 7: Revenge of the Pleasure Dome"
© 2005 Jeb Cadwell/Robert Felker/Vincent Truman/Suspicious Clowns

Danielle Dutton, Kyle Waddle, Kyle Ramos
Danielle Dutton, Kyle Waddle (with gun), Kyle Ramos


Justin: a reluctant kidnapper
Mike: an eager hostage
Julie: an unwilling hostage

Two chairs onstage, separated by a few feet.  Julie is tied up. Offstage, you can hear a guy (Mike) being beaten horribly.  Julie listens in fear.  The kidnapper (Justin), with a wild look in his eyes, drags Mike back in and ties him to the second chair. Justin waves a gun at both of them insanely.  Julie cowers.

Justin: Thatíll teach you, you piece of shit.

Julie: Please!  I donít want to die!

Justin: Shut the fuck up!  I donít wanna have to fuckiní gag you, or worse! 

Mike: (to Julie) Itís ok, just donít piss him off, heíll let us go whenÖ

Justin: (to Mike) Shut it bitch!  What, do you think Iím gonna treat you special cause youíre trying to cooperate?  You saw where that got you!

Mike: Youíre right, youíre right. 

Justin: Youíre right, Iím right.  Donít you forget it, punk.  Got it?  Got it??

Mike:  Yes, yes.

Justin:  Good.  And now Iím going to check on howÖ the negotiations are going! And Iím going to use the phone in the other room soÖ so you two donít know how theyíre going!  Ahhhhhhh! 

Justin exits, with an angry and determined stride.  Julie looks at Mike, tears in her eyes.

Julie: Oh my godÖ are you okay?  What did he do to you?

Mike: He pistol whipped me again, in the knee this time.

Julie: You must have incredible self-control.  I didnít see you limping.

Mike: Oh.  Well, he pistol whipped me in both knees.  So I was limping, just with both legs.

Julie: When we get outta here I just want to hide under my blankets and pretend this never happened.

Mike: Yeah, me too. 

Mike pauses, then turns to Julie, smiling, upbeat.

Mike: We should have sex.

Julie:  What?

Mike: Itís the only way to put this behind us.  I took a psych course at the Discovery Center, so I know what Iím talking about.

Julie: I took a class at the Discovery Center too.  How to Meet a Real Man.

Mike: Then itís meant to be.  Just think about it.  A lot.  (pause, then yelling offstage) Mr. Kidnapper!  I need to use the bathroom!

Justin storms in, waving the gun.  Julie ducks down her head.

Justin: (enters) What the fuck did you say?

Mike: Bathroon.  Can I use it?  Please?

Justin: Alright come on.  But no funny business!

Justin quickly unties Mike and pulls him into the audience.  As soon as they are offstage, Mike straightens up and Justin shrivels and cowers.

Mike: (o/s) Dude, this is going great!  Sheís thinking about sex with me!

Justin: (o/s) Are you sure you met her at the Discovery Center?

Mike: (o/s) Meet, saw once.  Whatís the difference?  Sheís hot.

Justin: (o/s) Iím not so sure about this, Mike.

Mike: (o/s) Whatís the problem?

Justin: (o/s) Itís just thatÖitís been three days and I canít miss any more work...

Mike: (o/s) Yeh, yeh, yeh.  Just a matter of time now.  OK, take me back.   Oh!  Pistol whip me again.

Justin: (o/s) Dude, Iíve done that like four times in the past hour.

Mike: (o/s) Yeh, but I think itís making her like me more.

Justin: (o/s) I donít know, man.

Mike: (o/s) Do it again, just think about the time I stole your twinkie in the third grade.

Justin: (o/s) I can only get so mad about a twinkie.

Mike: (o/s) Yeah, but think about how much you liked twinkies back thenÖ I mean you were a little butterball.  Get the twinkie, get the twinkie fatso. 

Justin pistol whips Mike really hard.  Mike collapses.

Mike: (o/s) OWWW!

Onstage, Julie hears this.  A panicked look envelopes her face.  .

Mike: (o/s) You fucker.  I meant, hit the gun on the ground again.

Justin: (o/s) Oh!  (loudly, so Julie can hear) And take this!

Justin self-consciously taps the gun on the ground.

Mike: (o/s) Well, not now. (small beat, then loudly, for Julie's benefit) OWWWW!  (back to an offstage whisper) Good, great, letís get back.

Justin straightens up and drags Mike, clutching himself in pain, back onstage.  Justin throws him in the chair and re-ties him.

Justin: Thatíll teach you, piece of shit!  Iím gonna go make another phone call!  Ahhhhhhh!  

Justins exits, forcefully but a bit more self-consciously and aimlessly than before.

Julie: What happened?

Mike: Call me Mike.

Julie: Mike.  What happened?

Mike: Hit my knee again.

Julie: Twice?

Mike: Yes.  He hit the one knee twice, instead of each knee once.  Um. 

Julie: What are you doing that he keeps taking you out of the room and hitting you?

Mike: I tried to make a break for it.

Julie: You were going to leave me alone with him?

Mike: Oh, no, no. I was going to find a stick. 

Julie: A Ö

Mike:  (brightly) So, you think about sex?

Julie: I canít even move.

Mike: Move, yeah!  You need to move!  Um, sir, Mr. kidnapper!

Justin enters again.  He seems to be losing confidence rapidly.

Justin: (semi-angrily) They werenít home!  (beat)

Mike: I think our bonds might be cutting off our circulation and decreasing our net value for ransom.  Perhaps you could loosen them.

Justin: Perhaps you could shut the hell up!  While I traumatize you!  (not very effectively) Ahhhhhhhhh!  Yeah.  (to Julie) You Ė close your eyes and start singing!  You donít want to watch this, er,  traumatization!

Julie: Oh godÖ (closes eyes and starts singing ďPour Some Sugar on MeĒ)

Justin: (to Mike) Dude, I canít get anyone to cover my shift tonight.  Iím out of sick days.

Mike: Loosen our ropes. 

Justin: Will you cover my shift?

Mike: Stupid! 

Mike stomps on Justinís foot.

Justin: OW!

Mike: (louder, for Julie, and to cover Justin) OW!  (softer) I canít cover your shift if Iím having the best sex of my life, which is what I plan to be doing.  Listen, you can still make your shift Ė just untie us. (louder, so Julie can hear) OW!

Justin: What kind of kidnapper is going to untie his hostages?  If I was a real kidnapper I wouldnít just untie you.

Mike: Say you need to conserve rope or something. OW!

Justin: Conserve rope?  Come on.

Mike: Just do it!  OWWWW!

Mike moves chair closer to Julie.  He sits.  Justin taps Julie on the shoulder.

Justin: Alright, um... (remembers to be angry) bitch!  I need toÖconserve ropeÖand so Iím now tying you two together.

Julie: You need to what?

Justin: Conserve rope.

Julie: For what?

Justin: Oh!  IímÖ donating it.  The extra rope.  Iím donating it toÖ a church.

Mike: Just do what he wants, sweetie.  Or he might want to (winks at Justin) traumatize us again.

Justin: Yeh!  Thatís what I want to do!  I want to traumatize you!  (pathetically) Ahhhhhh!

Mike: Sir!

Justin: Ahhhhhh!

Mike: Mr. Kidnapper!

Justin: Ahhhhh Ė oh, sorry.  What?

Mike: (prompting) And tie us together. 

Justin: Right!  And tie you together!

Mike: To conserve rope.

Justin:  Right!  Iím conserving rope!

Justin moves Julieís chair so the two hostages are back to back.

Mike: No, not back to back.  Together together.

Justin: Together together?

Mike: Yeh, youíll conserve the most rope that way.

Justin: Oh.  OK.  (forceful)  Iíll tie you together the way I want! Which is together together.

Mike: Hey, maybe you canít tie us together because our pants are in the way.

Julie: (to Justin) You are so forceful.

Justin: Well Ė yeh.

Julie: And so take-charge.

Justin: Well, I work with kids a lot.

Julie: Really?  I love kids.

Julie and Justin make strong eye contact.  Mike sees this.

Julie:  And you give to the church.  Thatís so sweet.

Mike: I think the kidnapper and I need to talk again!

Julie: Look, if you could just let us go, I swear I wonít go to the cops.

Justin and Mike look at each other.

Mike: ErÖ(shakes head vigorously to say Ďdonít listen to herí)

Justin: O.K. (Justin starts untying her)

Julie: Really, youíre gonna let us go?

Mike: Yeah, I told him that in the bathroom.  Man to man.  I convinced him to let us go.

Julie: (to Justin) And youíre understanding! (by the middle of this line she is untied and at the start of the thank youís, she embraces Justin)  Thank you thank you thank you!

Mike: Hey, what about the negotiator over here?

Julie: Yeah, thanks.

Mike: Look, honey, Iíve seen this before, itís called Stockholm Syndrome.  Youíre identifying with your captor as a defense mechanism.

Julie: No, itís more than that, itísÖfate.  You know, I really like rope Ė in the right place.  Say a nice four-poster bed.

Justin: Oh!

Julie: (enticing Justin) Come on. (exits)

Justin: (watches her exit, then goes over to Mike) Hey, dude, cover my shift tonight.

Mike attempts to step on Justinís foot again, but Justin is already exiting.

Mike struggles against his bonds, to no avail.






(c) 2007 Suspicious Clowns / Razor Spirits ASCAP