Suspicious Clowns Sketch: Fubar Sauvignon

FUBAR SAUVIGNON v6
original script by Jeb Cadwell with additional material by Robert Felker & Vincent Truman
as performed for "Suspicious Clowns 7: Revenge of the Pleasure Dome"
© 2004 Jeb Cadwell/Robert Felker/Vincent Truman/Suspicious Clowns

Vincent Truman, Robert Felker, Jeb Cadwell

ROLES:
Doctor Ted, the host of the wine-tasting party (Robert Felker)
Florence, his wife (Amanda Lynn)
Therese, a pregnant (late third trimester) wine-taster (Danielle Dutton)
Stefan, her husband (Vincent Truman)

Lights up. Ted, Florence and Stefan stand around a table, sharing a mutually superficial laugh. Ted is in the middle of a high-society joke.

Ted
And I said, "Excuse me, Bordeaux isn’t a type of grape; it is a blend between Merlot and Cabernet Sauvignon." And he said, "OK, I’ll have the Coteaux du Languedoc!"

Florence
Which is also a blend!

They all laugh the ridiculous high-society laugh.

Florence
Oh, Teddy, I so love your droll yarns.

Ted
Thank you, darling. Stefan, shall we wait for your lovely wife to return before we try the next wine?

Stefan
Oh, my goodness, no. She so likes to play catch-up.

Florence
I have always wanted a man who saw me as an equal but took charge of every aspect of my life. Magnanimous and manipulative… that’s my Teddy.

Ted
Speaking of fluid, do you know what I gave Florence for our twelfth anniversary? A day at the Urban Oasis Spa.

Stefan
Oh jolly good for you, Florence!

Ted proceeds to inspect various wine bottles during the following exchange.

Florence
Oh yes. I received what they call the Complete Asphalt Treatment, starting with the decayed matter wrap.

Stefan
Ooh – sounds wicked!

Florence
Oh it is! They wrap you in the finest used linen and and plunge you headfirst into a raw sewage dip. After an hour Belgium rats eat the bandages right off you. It’s exquisite. Completely burns out the nasal cavity.

Ted
Florence hasn’t had a runny nose since.

Florence
Or boogers for that matter. Thank you, shnookie.

Ted
Wigglebottom.

Florence
Goopie.

Ted
Gnarful.

Florence
Horkschnotz.

Ted
Ooplegaugenortz.

Florence
Hagaugggggggggggh.

Ted
(pouring the wine)
Now, this is a piercing assortment of approachable Shiraz from the Melbourne Region.

Ted, Florence and Stefan clink glasses and drink.

Stefan
Oogity boogity, old boy.

Florence
Well said!

Ted
Why, with a bouquet such as this, one could get wicked fucking wasted.

Florence/Stefan
Wicked fucking wasted. Hear, hear.

Therese enters. She is obviously pregnant. Her pants are soaking wet.

Therese
No fair, no fair. Did I miss one of Doctor Teddy’s droll yarns?

Stefan
Oh darling – your water broke!

Therese
Yes. Couldn’t be helped, I’m afraid.

Florence
(still tasting her wine)
It’s fruity with a hint of cloying, but not grabby.

Therese
I don’t know about all that, but it is certainly sticky.

Florence
Therese, darling, I’ve heard that drinking during pregnancy results in lower birth weight.

Therese
Darling… why else would I do it?

Stefan
That’s why she’s been smoking five packs a day for six months!

Therese
I cannot imagine passing anything larger than five pounds. I mean, really.

Ted
Speaking of solids, this wine gave me the shakes something terrible last week, to the point that my spleen ruptured and plunged straight out of my abdominal wall. Talk about mess.

Florence
Shall we?

Ted
Perhaps later.

Florence
I look forward to it.

Therese
Ah, I think I felt a little hiccup.

They all feel her belly.

Ted (getting on knees in front of her)
If you don’t mind. . .

Therese
You’re the doctor.

Ted (to Stefan)
Oh dear. Either the head is coming out already or your wife has the most absurdly defined clitoris I’ve ever seen.

Florence
Darling, you had better sit down before it drops onto the rug.

Therese (sits facing upstage; Ted continues to look)
If you insist.

Florence
Yes. We just had the rug desensitized.

Therese (to Stefan)
Darling, remember what Teddy told you to do when it was time.

Stefan
Oh right. (officious) Everyone, now listen up. I’ll be in the billiards room.
(exits)

Ted
Ah, yes here it comes. Oh dear. The cord appears to be wrapped around the baby’s neck.
(pause)
More wine, anyone?

Therese and Florence
Oh yes please.

Florence
Don’t push, darling.

Therese
Oh, Florence, you’re such a worrier. I’m sure I can have a splash more – can’t I, Doctor Ted?

Ted
Can’t think of a reason why not.

Therese
Oh my. This is like passing a chalet.

Ted
Now this is a rare Fubar Sauvignon from the Valley of Death.

Florence
Oh I so love the Fubar. Schmonkey.

Ted
Flaggle horn.

Florence
Wumple muffin.

Therese
It’s out, I think. Must be caught in my hose.

Ted
What magnificent luck.

Florence
You must let me know where you got those hose.

Therese
Had them made for me by a little fellow in the Village of Akimbo. Consignment.

Florence
Lovely.

Ted
To the little darling – and to magnificent hose!

Florence and Therese
Hear, hear!

FADE TO BLACK AS SOON AS YOU CAN.

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