DAVEY
written by Vincent Truman
as performed in Suspicious Clowns' 2005 Lincoln Lodge appearance (Jan 2005) and
"Suspicious Clowns 7: Revenge of the Pleasure Dome" (April-May 2005)
2005 Vincent Truman/Suspicious Clowns


An original visual of the sketch.

 

Dad sits at a chair, his dog Felcher at his side. Dad pets him.

DAD
Davey? Davey!

DAVEY (O/S)
Yeh, Dad?

DAD
Come on down here a minute, son. We have to have a little talk.

As Dad pets the dog, Davey comes out of room, leading with his pelvic area. He walks very stiffly, gamely poking at random things in the room: a chair, a bookcase, thin air. He sits awkwardly, jutting his hips throughout the scene.

DAVEY
(speaking in a broken voice – he is in mid-adolescence)
Hey, Pop. Whatcha want to talk to me about?

DAD
Davey, I wanted to let you know your mother and I are going out tonight.

DAVEY
Babysitter! Yay!

DAD
Actually, that’s what I have to talk to you about. We spoke with Crystal and…
well, we think you might not need a babysitter anymore.

DAVEY
Whaddya mean?


Dad and Davey

DAD
Well, you’re practically 14 now. You’re a big boy.
You can look after yourself.

DAVEY
She doesn’t want to wrestle me anymore?

DAD
Um, no, she doesn’t. Certainly not from the moment she walks in the door.

DAVEY
But I’m just a kid!
(humps the chair)

DAD
In any event, we think you’re a young man now and as such…
(finally losing temper)
Now stop it. Will you stop it?

DAVEY
Stop what, Pops?

DAD
I’ve told you about humping the chair!

DAVEY
No – you told me not to hump that chair!
(indicating Dad’s chair)

Dad wipes off hand with a hankie.


Dad and Davey

DAD
Now sit up straight and listen, will you?

DAVEY
(sits up straight)
There. See?

As Dad speaks, almost immediately, Davey grabs a musical instrument and starts masturbating with it.

DAD
Davey, put down the clarinet.

DAVEY
I need to practice, Pops!

DAD
No, you don’t. Put it down. DAMMIT.

Davey freezes. His eyes begin to well up, clearly upset.

DAD
Oh, now, Davey, don’t be upset. Listen, your body is going through some dramatic
changes. It happens to everyone – it happened to me, too, when I was your age.
It’s called adolescence. It’s completely natural.

Davey begins to weep, unable to hold it in.

DAD
Oh, Davey, come here. Come here. Give Dad a hug.

They hug. A few moments later, Davey starts humping Dad.

Oh now you little - sit down!

Davey sits, humping the air again.

I don’t know what to tell you, Davey, other than this too will pass.
Do you understand? So just try and relax a bit, ok?

DAVEY
Okay, Pops.

DAD
Don’t hump anymore furniture. Or blood relatives.

Mom enters, clearly wanting to avoid Davey.

MOM
Honey, I’m ready. I’ll be in the car.

DAVEY
Hi Mom!

Mom exits quickly, and Dad catches Davey as he gets up. He pushes him back in the chair.

DAD
Davey…stay! Just stay, dammit. We’ll be back by midnight.

He exits. Davey humps the air a bit more. He slows down, miserable that he has been left on his own.

DAVEY
Well, maybe I’ll go for a nice long walk.

Felcher wakes up and spots Davey. He looks around for Dad. Dad’s gone.

DAVEY
(suddenly hitting on an idea)
Hi, Felcher! C’mere, boy!

BLACKOUT AS DOG WHINES.

 

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