original script by Vincent Truman
as performed in Suspicious Clowns 5: Clown on a Hot Tin Roof (Sept - Oct 2003)
© 2003 Vincent Truman/Suspicious Clowns
on "Cliche Whores" by Vincent Truman
"The best material, for me anyway, is about stuff that pisses me off. The root of this scene came from one conversation I heard in a smoking lounge, in which four people rattled off about 50 cliches in 2 minutes and never once actually said anything to each other. You know - 'how are you' - 'can't complain - and if i did, who would listen?' - 'i hear ya. keeping you busy?' - 'thank god it's friday', etc. Just maddening. So, utilizing the old find-and-replace technique, I made the cliches in this scene like sex or a drug... a complete addiction. I recall this being a rather hard sell to the group when I presented it, because there's not a lot of jokey jokes, but it plays very well in front of a smart audience."
|The Cliche Whore: Lauren Ryland
Man: Jeb Cadwell
Cop 1: Cynthia Whitworth
Cop 2: Sarah Snow
|Interviewer/Host: Arthur Simone
Renata: Kelly Stanley
Dr. Emmet Wilhemi: Vincent Truman
Lights fade up. Car pulls up to woman on street corner.
Hey, mac, wanna cliche?
(nervous, but anxious)
She gets in car.
You a cop?
No, no so how much for how much?
Its not what you say, its how you say it.
Its not what you know, its who you know.
Thank God its Friday.
(getting excited, takes out cash)
Yes. Here .
A-OK, baby. Ive seen a million of em. Smoke em if you got em.
What are you are witnessing is a growing trend in the underbelly of modern society.
The purchase and transfer of illicit clichés in cars, alleyways and seedy bars.
This is not recommended for younger or more sensitive viewers.
How much is on your plate? Youre the apple of my eye.
Buy one get one free. When it rains, it pours.
Dont dont . dont count your chickens before theyre hatched.
The cops enter, walk around to the driver's side.
The United States is a democracy!
What are you two doing in there?
Uh-huh. Shes as close to you as white on rice.
(swooning at the cliché)
I thought so. Get out of here, lady. Step out of the car, sir.
WOMAN RUNS OUT OF THE CAR AND EXITS. MAN GETS OUT OF THE CAR.
You like cliché whores, do ya?
No, no. Im a married man.
Not getting enough cliches at home, are ya?
No. I have never paid for clichés in my life!
Thats the way the cookie crumbles.
Alright, mister, youre coming with us.
Youre barking up the wrong tree!
THE MAN EXITS WITH COP 1 AND THE SCENE SWITCHES TO INTERVIEW.
COP 2 SITS IN DRIVERS SEAT.
So what youre saying is there are men who pay women to cliché them.
Yeh. Sometimes in broad daylight. Theres two types of cliché whore:
you got yer He Likes Me for Me Girls and the Dark and Stormy Night Girls.
Dark and Stormy Night?
As in It Was A Dark And Stormy Night, yeh. The He Likes Me For Me Girls
are usually just trying to score a quick hit of social acceptance.
The Dark and Stormy Night Girls well, those are hard core offenders.
Theyre hooked on the cliché, and thats how it spreads. No protection.
Protection like ?
Irony, insight practically any amount of intellectual protection is better than none.
What happens if cliches spread?
Chaos. Total communication breakdown.
I dont normally do clichés, man, unless Im out partying with friends.
Renata, a part-time bartender in Chicagos trendy Wrigleyville area, spoke to us
about casual cliché use.
I mean, I dont go looking for it. If its at a party, yeh, I might, you know,
get behind the eight ball. OK occasionally, Ill go for it
hook line and sinker. But its totally casual, man.
What about the charges that clichés lead to harder things?
Thats just what the government says, man.
The chances of getting hooked on clichés are, like, one in a million.
But evidence suggests that, once in the grip of clichés, it is almost
impossible to break free. The man we saw picking up the cliché whore earlier
eventually became a patient at the House Designed
to Break One of the Habit of Clichés, or HDBOOTHOC.
We spoke to him and his psychologist, Dr. Emmet Wilhelmi.
Yadda yadda yadda. Sup. Sup. Sup. Sup. Chillin like a villian.
Martin well call him Martin, although his name is Henry Winslow Martin has been
with us for some time. Breaking someone of clichés is a very arduous and long process.
Long? Long time no see. Long time no see.
Martin, how are you feeling these days?
Cool as a cucumber, cool as a cucumber.
Give the devil his due. I stand out like a sore thumb, so its easy to nip it in the bud.
As you can see, he can hear you and he can speak
but he is unable to communicate in original thought.
Can you understand what Im saying? How long have you been here?
If you love something,
set it free. If it doesnt come back its not meant to be.
In fact, Martin has been with us for five months now.
Is he making progress?
Weve actually stopped treatment on Martin.
Whys that, doctor?
Hes funny. And he makes a mean Tex-Mex Omelette. Six eggs.
Well, six of one, half dozen of the other.
Doctor, is there anything positive to be found from using clichés?
Its never a dull moment.
LIGHTS UP. THE INTERVIEWER IS ALONE.
So what have we learned here tonight?
Besides that sidewalks are mostly made up of concrete?
Dont look to the leaders of the nation -
there is no war on clichés. Yet the damage is irrefutable.
are merely the next step in the evolutionary process,
a deconstruction of language as we know it,
an invalidation of communication on anything more than the most perfunctory level.
until we become big brown globs of poo-poo-ca-ca that have the ability to wear matching socks.
Im Pretty Penny Workerbee. Good night.
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