"Captain on
the Beach"
by Vincent Truman
as performed in the Suspicious
Clowns' sixth show (2004)
© 2004 Vincent Truman/Suspicious Clowns
Captain Truman (played by Vincent Truman) Sergeant Cadwell (played by Kyle Waddle) Dead Private on Ground (played by Jeb Cadwell) Scout 1 (played by Robert Felker) Scout 2 (played by Brittani Ebert)
Cadwell, in tattered clothes, builds a small bonfire Down Center. Truman enters, also wearing tattered gear. He has an air of obvious English leadership.
Truman Ahem.
Cadwell (stands at attention) Captain on the beach!
Truman Sgt. Cadwell, have you taken attendance yet?
Cadwell Sir no sir.
Truman Well, please do so. I’d like to review the troops and then speak for a few minutes.
Cadwell Sir yes sir. (beat) Sound off! (beat) One! (beat) All accounted for, sir!
Truman Very well. Now I shall inspect the troops. (walks by Cadwell) Now I shall speak to the troops. Boys, I have been advised that morale has been gradually slipping due to our present situation. (thinks) Who told me that, again?
Cadwell Sir, me, sir.
Truman Ah, yes. Cadwell. Always the instigator, aren’t you, Cadwell?
Cadwell (reluctant) Sir yes sir.
Truman Boys, when we first crashed on this island six months ago, there were someamong you who panicked and said we would all die. there were some I am pleased to note that most of that panic has died down,there were some which I take to be confidence in my keen leadership skills. Now, we need to address getting off this island and getting back to civilization. And I’d like your input on this. Boys?
Cadwell raises his hand.
Truman (looks around, finally resting his eyes on Cadwell) Um… um… um… yes, you. Cadwell.
Cadwell Sir thank you. I recommend we build a fire to draw attention –
Truman Negatory, Cadwell. If we hadn’t had a fire onboard the plane, we wouldn’t be here! Do you really expect me to sanction the use of a second fire? My goodness, Cadwell, you do have a death wish.
Cadwell OK, well how about…
Truman Any other suggestions?
Cadwell How about we build a boat? By my calculations, we are only a day or two’s journey from the African coast.
Truman (oblivious) Any one?
Cadwell A boat.
Truman Any one at all?
Cadwell, begrugingly recognizing protocol, raises his hand.
Truman (sees the hand) Ah, Cadwell.
Cadwell …do you think it is worth it?
Truman Do I think what is worth it, Cadwell?
Cadwell A boat.
Truman What boat?
Cadwell Building a boat.
Truman …and…?
Cadwell …sailing off the island.
Truman By your calculations, how far are we from the African coast?
Cadwell A… day and a half, at most.
Truman What about the east African coast?
Cadwell Oh, well… much further.
Truman Cadwell, Cadwell, Cadwell. You have to be able to think through all possibilities before you decide on a plan.
Cadwell I still think the fire would draw attention.
Truman Anyone else?
Cadwell Fire?
Truman Very good, boys. I will take all of your suggestions under advisement right now, but suffice to say I will veto them all. Thank you for your thoughts.
Scout 1 (offstage) I thought I heard voices over here.
Scout 2 (offstage) Me, too. I hear the ocean too.
Scout 1 and 2 enter.
Scout 1 Oh my god. Captain Truman!
Scout 2 We found you! Quick, radio this in.
Scout 1 Yes, sir.
Scout 2 Captain, we thought we’d never find you.
Truman Ha!
Truman pulls out a gun and shoots the scouts dead.
Cadwell What the hell did you just do?
Truman Heh heh. Hallucinations, Cadwell, simple hallucinations.
Cadwell No they weren’t! They were scouts on a rescue party!
Truman That’s the thing about mirages. I actually could hear them speaking.
Cadwell (rushing to dead bodies) They were speaking! Let me see if the radio still works.
Truman Ha! How naďve you are, Cadwell!
Cadwell It’s broken. It must have hit a rock.
Truman I’m sure it was a rock, Cadwell.
Cadwell That was no mirage!
Truman Yes, it was. If they were real, they’d still be speaking.
Cadwell You shot them!
Truman With a mirage gun, yes. Oldest trick in the book.
Cadwell Your gun isn’t a mirage.
Truman Yes it is.
Cadwell No it isn’t!
Truman Ha!
Truman shoots Cadwell in the stomach. Cadwell falls, mortally wounded.
Truman Oh fancy that! Cadwell was a mirage! Very well. Carry on, boys.
SUSPICIOUS CLOWNS MAIN PAGE © 2004 Vincent Truman/Suspicious Clowns
