"Captain on the Beach"
by Vincent Truman
as performed in the Suspicious Clowns' sixth show (2004)
© 2004 Vincent Truman/Suspicious Clowns

 

Captain Truman (played by Vincent Truman)
Sergeant Cadwell (played by Kyle Waddle)
Dead Private on Ground (played by Jeb Cadwell)
Scout 1 (played by Robert Felker)
Scout 2 (played by Brittani Ebert)
Cadwell, in tattered clothes, builds a small bonfire Down Center.  
Truman enters, also wearing tattered gear.  He has an air of obvious English leadership.
Truman
Ahem.
Cadwell
(stands at attention)
Captain on the beach!
Truman
Sgt. Cadwell, have you taken attendance yet?
Cadwell
Sir no sir.
Truman
Well, please do so. 
I’d like to review the troops and then speak for a few minutes.
Cadwell
Sir yes sir.
(beat)
Sound off!
(beat)
One!
(beat)
All accounted for, sir!
Truman
Very well.  Now I shall inspect the troops.
(walks by Cadwell)
Now I shall speak to the troops.
Boys, I have been advised that morale has been gradually slipping
due to our present situation.  
(thinks)
Who told me that, again?
Cadwell
Sir, me, sir.
Truman
Ah, yes.  Cadwell.  Always the instigator, aren’t you, Cadwell?
Cadwell
(reluctant)
Sir yes sir.
Truman
Boys, when we first crashed on this island six months ago, 
there were someamong you who panicked and said we would all die.  there were some
I am pleased to note that most of that panic has died down,there were some
 which I take to be confidence in my keen leadership skills.
Now, we need to address getting off this island and getting back to civilization.
And I’d like your input on this.  Boys?
Cadwell raises his hand.
Truman
(looks around, finally resting his eyes on Cadwell)
Um… um… um… yes, you.  Cadwell.
Cadwell
Sir thank you.  I recommend we build a fire to draw attention – 
Truman
Negatory, Cadwell.  If we hadn’t had a fire onboard the plane, we wouldn’t be here!
Do you really expect me to sanction the use of a second fire?  My goodness, Cadwell,
you do have a death wish.
Cadwell
OK, well how about…
Truman
Any other suggestions?
Cadwell
How about we build a boat?  By my calculations, we are only
a day or two’s journey from the African coast.
Truman
(oblivious)
Any one?
Cadwell
A boat.
Truman
Any one at all?
Cadwell, begrugingly recognizing protocol, raises his hand.
Truman
(sees the hand)
Ah, Cadwell.
Cadwell
…do you think it is worth it?
Truman
Do I think what is worth it, Cadwell?
Cadwell
A boat.
Truman
What boat?
Cadwell
Building a boat.
Truman
…and…?
Cadwell
…sailing off the island.
Truman
By your calculations, how far are we from the African coast?
Cadwell
A… day and a half, at most.
Truman
What about the east African coast?
Cadwell
Oh, well… much further.
Truman
Cadwell, Cadwell, Cadwell.
You have to be able to think through all
possibilities before you decide on a plan.
Cadwell
I still think the fire would draw attention.
Truman
Anyone else?
Cadwell
Fire?
Truman
Very good, boys.  I will take all of your suggestions 
under advisement
right now, but suffice to say I will veto them all.  
Thank you for your thoughts.
Scout 1 (offstage)
I thought I heard voices over here.
Scout 2 (offstage)
Me, too.  I hear the ocean too.
Scout 1 and 2 enter.
Scout 1
Oh my god.  Captain Truman!
Scout 2
We found you!  Quick, radio this in.
Scout 1
Yes, sir.
Scout 2
Captain, we thought we’d never find you.
Truman
Ha!
Truman pulls out a gun and shoots the scouts dead.
Cadwell
What the hell did you just do?
Truman
Heh heh.  Hallucinations, Cadwell, simple hallucinations.
Cadwell
No they weren’t!  They were scouts on a rescue party!
Truman
That’s the thing about mirages.
I actually could hear them speaking.
Cadwell 
(rushing to dead bodies)
They were speaking!  Let me see if the radio still works.
Truman
Ha!  How naďve you are, Cadwell!
Cadwell
It’s broken.  It must have hit a rock.
Truman
I’m sure it was a rock, Cadwell.
Cadwell
That was no mirage!
Truman
Yes, it was.  If they were real, they’d still be speaking.
Cadwell
You shot them!
Truman
With a mirage gun, yes.  Oldest trick in the book.
Cadwell
Your gun isn’t a mirage.
Truman
Yes it is.
Cadwell
No it isn’t!
Truman
Ha!
Truman shoots Cadwell in the stomach.  Cadwell falls, mortally wounded.
Truman
Oh fancy that!  Cadwell was a mirage!
Very well.  Carry on, boys.

 

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