The Big Midget
original script by Jeb Cadwell and Scott Shaver
final version by Jeb Cadwell, Scott Shaver, Vincent Truman and Arthur Simone
as performed in Suspicious Clowns 5: Clown on a Hot Tin Roof (Sept - Oct 2003)
2003 Jeb Cadwell/Vincent Truman/Suspicious Clowns

Commentary on "The Big Midget" by Vincent Truman
"Errors in communication are great fodder for me. 'The Big Midget' was written whole by Jeb, and the way it was presented, it was quite good, very enjoyable - yet I detected a significant lack of drama in the piece. It is, after all, about a midget who becomes a big midget, and it's the overstated lack of drama that is its key selling point. I added the misunderstandings by Dr. Vixen, which were always expertly played by Kelly Stanley. Once those misunderstanding riffs were inserted, I think Jeb and Arthur Simone both added bits and pieces to it to create a really unique and satisfying piece. This one always went over very very well."

Dr. Fitzel: Jeb Cadwell
Dr. Vixen: Kelly Stanley
Dr. Whirleygig: Sarah Snow
Dr. Silent: Vincent Truman
The Big Midget: Arthur Simone
Dr. Also-Silent: Cynthia Whitworth

SFX of Thunder.

Lights rise on DOCTOR FITZEL addressing some of his peers. Center stage: a semi-circle of blanket-covered chairs, over which one can make out the head of THE MIDGET.

Doctor Fitzel
Ladies and gentlemen of the scientific community, thank you for coming to my demonstration. As most of you know, it was I who dreamt of a day when science would make you ooh and ah before you even saw the invention. And that day is here!

Those in attendance ooh and ahh, clapping.

Doctor Fitzel
For tonight, you will be witnesses to my Adult Incubator and Midget Stretcher!

Those in attendance go completely blank.

Doctor Vixen
Excuse me, Doctor Fitzel.

Doctor Fitzel
(acknowledging the question)
Doctor Vixen.

Doctor Vixen
Are those two separate inventions?

Doctor Fitzel
No, it’s just the one.

Doctor Vixen
So it’s not an incubator and a stretcher.

Doctor Fitzel
No, it’s an incubator-and-a-stretcher. Together.

Doctor Vixen
Just because you say it really fast doesn’t make it one thing.

Doctor Fitzel
It is one thing.

Doctor Whirlygig
So why do you need a stretcher?

Doctor Fitzel
I don’t need a stretcher.

Doctor Whirlygig
Does the incubator hurt the midget?

Doctor Vixen
Perhaps that would explain the stretcher, no?

Doctor Fitzel
(Losing patience)
There is no stretcher! It is simply a machine that stretches.
It’s a (demonstrates with hands) stretcher!

They ooh and ahh again.

Doctor Fitzel
Behold, if you will, the midget is already in the Adult Incubator. In a matter of seconds, this midget will go from being a midget to become the world’s first really big… midget!

SFX: thunder.

Doctor Whirlygig
So he’ll still be a midget?

Doctor Fitzel
Yes!

Doctor Whirlygig
Only really big?

Doctor Fitzel
Yes!!

Doctor Vixen
What if he’s lanky?

Doctor Fitzel
Then he will be a big lanky midget, of course!

The doctors ooh and ahh.

Doctor Whirlygig
Ah, Doctor Fitzel, you have an answer for everything, don’t you?
(trying to stump Fitzel)
What if he’s lanky and… polka dotted?

Doctor Fitzel
You fools! Then he would be a big lanky polka-dotted midget, of course!

The doctors ooh and ahh.

Doctor Fitzel
Now silence! Now, take note, for after tonight, you will never see anything so big-when-it-should-be-small! Behold!

Doctor Fitzel hits a button somewhere.

Sound effect of "ripping".

The midget stands up, stone-faced, from behind the blind. He wears an outfit which is very very tight and all ripped up, he bulges out of the outfit.

Doctor Vixen
Well, that was quick.

Doctor Whirlygig
And inconsequential.

Doctor Vixen
Anticlimactic. Should we be going?

Big Midgets face breaks into one of anger. He grunts and clumsily bumps forward into the chairs.

Big Midget
(Low voice)
Mhhhrrrr. I’m a big Midget.

The doctors ooh and ahh again.

Doctor Fitzel
Yes, YES! My adult-incubator-and-midget-stretcher worked!

Big Midget
I’m a BIG MIDGET!

Throwing aside the chairs, heaving his weight around.

Doctor Fitzel
I have succeeded! Now you will all cower at eye level to the jowls of my Big Midget!
(Holds out arms to the big midget)
Come to me, my creation!

Big Midget
BIG MIDGET! I’m a BIG MIDGET!!

The big midget considers the offer for a second, then stumbles off stage, going the other direction.

Lights out.

 

 


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