The Big
Midget
original
script by Jeb Cadwell and Scott Shaver
final version by Jeb Cadwell, Scott Shaver, Vincent Truman and
Arthur Simone
as performed in Suspicious Clowns 5: Clown on a Hot Tin
Roof (Sept - Oct 2003)
© 2003 Jeb Cadwell/Vincent
Truman/Suspicious Clowns
Commentary
on "The Big Midget" by Vincent Truman
"Errors in communication are great fodder for me. 'The
Big Midget' was written whole by Jeb, and the way it was
presented, it was quite good, very enjoyable - yet I detected a
significant lack of drama in the piece. It is, after all, about a
midget who becomes a big midget, and it's the overstated lack of
drama that is its key selling point. I added the
misunderstandings by Dr. Vixen, which were always expertly played
by Kelly Stanley. Once those misunderstanding riffs were
inserted, I think Jeb and Arthur Simone both added bits and
pieces to it to create a really unique and satisfying piece. This
one always went over very very well."
| Dr. Fitzel: Jeb Cadwell Dr. Vixen: Kelly Stanley Dr. Whirleygig: Sarah Snow Dr. Silent: Vincent Truman |
The Big Midget: Arthur Simone Dr. Also-Silent: Cynthia Whitworth |
SFX of Thunder.
Lights rise on DOCTOR FITZEL addressing some of his peers. Center stage: a semi-circle of blanket-covered chairs, over which one can make out the head of THE MIDGET.
Doctor Fitzel
Ladies and gentlemen of the scientific community, thank you for
coming to my demonstration. As most of you know, it was I who
dreamt of a day when science would make you ooh and ah before you
even saw the invention. And that day is here!
Those in attendance ooh and ahh, clapping.
Doctor Fitzel
For tonight, you will be witnesses to my Adult Incubator and
Midget Stretcher!
Those in attendance go completely blank.
Doctor Vixen
Excuse me, Doctor Fitzel.
Doctor Fitzel
(acknowledging the question)
Doctor Vixen.
Doctor Vixen
Are those two separate inventions?
Doctor Fitzel
No, it’s just the one.
Doctor Vixen
So it’s not an incubator and a stretcher.
Doctor Fitzel
No, it’s an incubator-and-a-stretcher. Together.
Doctor Vixen
Just because you say it really fast doesn’t make it one
thing.
Doctor Fitzel
It is one thing.
Doctor Whirlygig
So why do you need a stretcher?
Doctor Fitzel
I don’t need a stretcher.
Doctor Whirlygig
Does the incubator hurt the midget?
Doctor Vixen
Perhaps that would explain the stretcher, no?
Doctor Fitzel
(Losing patience)
There is no stretcher! It is simply a machine that
stretches.
It’s a (demonstrates with hands) stretcher!
They ooh and ahh again.
Doctor Fitzel
Behold, if you will, the midget is already in the Adult Incubator.
In a matter of seconds, this midget will go from being a midget
to become the world’s first really big… midget!
SFX: thunder.
Doctor Whirlygig
So he’ll still be a midget?
Doctor Fitzel
Yes!
Doctor Whirlygig
Only really big?
Doctor Fitzel
Yes!!
Doctor Vixen
What if he’s lanky?
Doctor Fitzel
Then he will be a big lanky midget, of course!
The doctors ooh and ahh.
Doctor Whirlygig
Ah, Doctor Fitzel, you have an answer for everything, don’t
you?
(trying to stump Fitzel)
What if he’s lanky and… polka dotted?
Doctor Fitzel
You fools! Then he would be a big lanky polka-dotted midget, of
course!
The doctors ooh and ahh.
Doctor Fitzel
Now silence! Now, take note, for after tonight, you will never
see anything so big-when-it-should-be-small! Behold!
Doctor Fitzel hits a button somewhere.
Sound effect of "ripping".
The midget stands up, stone-faced, from behind the blind. He wears an outfit which is very very tight and all ripped up, he bulges out of the outfit.
Doctor Vixen
Well, that was quick.
Doctor Whirlygig
And inconsequential.
Doctor Vixen
Anticlimactic. Should we be going?
Big Midgets face breaks into one of anger. He grunts and clumsily bumps forward into the chairs.
Big Midget
(Low voice)
Mhhhrrrr. I’m a big Midget.
The doctors ooh and ahh again.
Doctor Fitzel
Yes, YES! My adult-incubator-and-midget-stretcher worked!
Big Midget
I’m a BIG MIDGET!
Throwing aside the chairs, heaving his weight around.
Doctor Fitzel
I have succeeded! Now you will all cower at eye level to the
jowls of my Big Midget!
(Holds out arms to the big midget)
Come to me, my creation!
Big Midget
BIG MIDGET! I’m a BIG MIDGET!!
The big midget considers the offer for a second, then stumbles off stage, going the other direction.
Lights out.
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