Playing in the Aisles
(The Argyle Avenger)
by: Lauren Marie Ryland/Vincent Truman
© 2002 Lauren Ryland / Vincent Truman / Suspicious Clowns
* * * * *
as performed by
ARGYLE AVENGER (Amanda) - SECURITY (Tom) - VOICE (Vincent)
CUSTOMER 1 (Ashley) - SCOTT MUNN (Scott) - EMPLOYEE (Lauren)
* * * * *
VOICE (offstage, deep
When tragedy erupts, when innocent civilians are in utter despair, when a diabolical menace is menacing
there is no need to fear! Help is near!
Lights have fully come up onto a Walmart-type setting. An apathetic, pubescent employee hears the Voice but is totally disinterested. The employee is stocking products or straightening shelves. Two customers wander around.
(Building) She swoops to the scene with the grace of a swan, the stealth of an lemur, and the
agility of a really agile person. She is no other than
(waits until Hero hits the floor)
The Argyle Avenger!
The Hero is in full costume: socks on her feet and hands, a mask and a piece of paper with an "A" pinned to her chest. She puts a suitcase down. Again, the Employee notices but seems more perturbed than awed.
The Avenger heeds the call of duty. Today, she has been summoned to a local battleground
where we can watch many awesome scenes unravel.
(Grabs the coupon; makes a laser sound as if scanning the coupon with laserbeam sight.)
Wooonng! Ahhh, yes! I have encountered this peculiar lettering before. Lady/man, you see the "P" is silent.
Campbells. Mmmm, mmmm, very misleading.
But wait, our nemesis is still on the loose. What to do?
(Hero pauses, quiets herself, and begins to rub temples vigorously.)
Ah-ha! The answer appears to me in a vision! This sticky situation calls for something spectacular
(Hero scurries over "Zing!" to the Employee and taps him the shoulder "Rat-atat-tat!")
(Droning, unamused.) Maam, you know youre not allowed in the store anymore.
Yes! This is the culprit!
Youll have to leave now.
Dear old lady/man, our menacing menace is no longer at large. You have no more distress!
(Throws can high into the air in jubilation.)
Now run, lady/man, and tell all what you have seen today.
(exits, not taking the socks)
OK, thats it.
Security. Aisle 7.
Zowiee! Another job solved for the Argyle Avenger! Yes!
No un-done good deed goes un-done when the Avenger does her doings!
A security guard enters. The employee points and then gets back to work.
OK, lets go.
Go?! Is there danger near?
There will be if you dont come with me.
Ho-ho! A riddle!
The strange man/lady in the dark uniform. Friend or foe? Find out in
the next exciting episode of..
(reaches backstage, pulls the Voice character onstage)
OK, you too.
The Argyle Avenger! Tune in next week! Ouch!
Come on, you two.
|The Security Guard hauls
them off. Lights fade from Stage Left and come up Stage
Right, where the Argyle Avenger and the Voice are seated
in two chairs.
I am no other than the Awesome Argyle Avenger, defender of the weak civilians who
walk this lonely planet. Thats who I am, unsightly man/lady!
And I want my Satchel of
Youll get your suitcase
back in a minute. SECURITY 2 And whos your friend
The antagonist of this story demands answers of the narrator!
Speak not, unseen voice! Its a trap!
The interrogation continues!
OK, stop that.
We will not fall victim to your hedonistic practices, unworthy foe! Huzzah!
(produces bit of torn fabric, aims it at the guards)
Zing! Zing! Za-za-za-zing!
The security guard stares at them.
He does do not fall! Will the Argyle Avenger save the day?
OK, that does it. Bring Scott in here.
The security guard picks up the phone.
The security guard picks up the telephonic device.
Yeh, thats enough from you.
Scott Munn to the sketch. Scott Munn to the sketch.
You will not hold us for long, security man/lady! I will prevail!
Scott Munn enters, holding a scriptbook, wearing sunglasses. He greets the guards and introduces himself to the Argyle Avenger and the Voice.
Hi, Scott Munn, script editor, Suspicious Clowns. Hi there. Lookin good.
Another trap? The Argyle Avenger must decide!
(smacking the Voice on the back of the head)
Hi, Scott. We were wondering if this sketch is supposed to go on so long.
Uh, let me see. Where are we?
About page 27 or so. "Argyle Avenger".
Um yeh. This is all cut.
The Argyle Avenger stands to deliver her speech of justice and
the work to be done in this defenseless city!
No, she doesnt.
(he tears out sheet of paper)
Were running a little long, actually.
(to Security Guard and Argyle Avenger both)
You two are both good. Thanks.
The Argyle Avenger stands and, being unable to speak, walks offstage, escorted by the Security Guard. She rips the "A" from her shirt as she goes.
Will there be no end to this prosecution!
(rips out another piece of paper)
Crossfade to next scene.
SUSPICIOUS CLOWNS MAIN PAGE
Commentary on 'Argyle Avenger' by Vincent Truman
"This was a very interesting scene to work on, and later became one of the best efforts the group as a whole put together. The original script was passed on for the running order, but about two-thirds of the way through the rehearsal process, there was a hole in the second third of the show. This sketch was brought back in, and the 'security room' bit was added and edited by the group as a whole. A bizarre twist of fate was that the primary writer - Lauren - was completely okay with another actor playing the part that I think Lauren wrote for herself. It showed us that the writer was not always the best choice for the lead role - and, more importantly, that egos could be swallowed in favor of the best possible casting. We all wound up with smaller roles in the pieces we wrote, I think. Anyway, the additional piece fleshed out the original piece with the customer (there were originally three customers) and added to the absurdity of the situation. It almost gets into uncomfortable territory because you're not sure where it's going to go - but then our hero and the unseen voice stick to their guns, which heightened the absurdity of the situation. A great, great piece of writing and one of my favorites of the show."