Poetry & Blindfolds

I almost didn’t title the blog what I did, for fear of some idiot hate-mongers sitting around Googling vile phrases in order to find their spiritual bretheran (”I know, let’s plug in rotten chink bastards and see what we get! Yee haw!”). But, at the end, I liked the title and its throwback to the original “Planet of the Apes.”

I was Googling one day - not vile phrases, at least in this case - and found some really disturbing stuff that at first I couldn’t believe. Here is one link: http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3329995,00.html

The article’s booming headline: “Rabbis: Modesty slacking, stand guard!: Thousands of haredim participate in conference warning of slacked modesty amongst women. Married men only attend conference; learn about allowed shirt length, skirt size, wigs.”

The article begins: “A rabbi at the “Strengthening and Awaking on Modesty” conference held Saturday night attended by thousands of haredim said, “One of our generations biggest obstacles is tight clothing… each and every one of us must stand guard and make sure his wife and daughters’ clothing are modest, both in how much they cover the body and how they are worn.” ”

First, the funny bit.

Here’s two of the rabbis who were opining about womens’ clothes —————>.

Now, when I think Fashion Police, I think Mr. Blackwell. I do not think of Alec Guiness in a Davy Crockett hat alongside an exhumed Larry Fine with a dreadbeard. These guys are commenting on fashion and clothing? I hope they don’t become experts on food next, or we’ll all be eating feces and calling it a tasty brown omelette.

Secondly, I am completely irritated by this. When one asks ‘who’s the leader of the club’ when it comes to being marginalized, insulted, derided, and just plain murdered, the Jews are tops. They know pain, I believe, more than any faith that has been thought up over millions of years (or 6,000, if you’re a believer). And now finally, after thousands of years of persecution and pain, they have their own country. And what do they do?

Marginalize, insult and deride half their own species.

Now, I’m all about freedom, and, having a Jewish parent, I am more than empathetic to Jews being able to be who and what they want to be. But give me a god damn break. Controlling women is not the way to go. Especially since those nutty Muslims already have a corner on that market. So, Jews, you’re the new Muslim?

Final note, lifted from this page: http://failedmessiah.typepad.com/failed_messiahcom/2007/02/rabbis_its_the_.html

A few months ago in Australia a woman was raped. The head Australian Islamic Imam said that the woman wasn’t garbed in the traditional Islamic garb, so she provoked it and the man was not to blame. His actual wording was

‘If you leave meat out in the market, do you not expect the cats to eat it?’

I tend to avoid writing overtly religious blogs, but this one just came to me and I wanted to get it down fast.

In one of the religious blogs I frequent, a gentleman called Jonathan said: there are several things Jesus supposedly said in his “last moments” and the disciplines recorded whatever was most memorable to them.   but guess what…. its very possible he said all of them (they never imply they were his “very last words” just the “last words” they may remember).

Odd spelling and grammar notwithstanding (aren’t they disciples, not disciplines?), I really like the idea of the four guys only writing down what they thought was memorable.

And a piece of sketch comedy is born.

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Scene: Golgotha. Jesus is wailing away on the cross. Four guys stand at his feet, with parchment and ink, listening intently.

JESUS: Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do!
LUKE: Oh I like that. (writes it down)
JOHN: What does he mean, they know not what they do? Of course they know what they’re doing.
LUKE: What do you mean?
JOHN: The Romans have killed hundreds this way.  They’ve got it down to an art form.
MATTHEW: Good point, John. That’s not going in my gospel.
JOHN: Mine either. Makes no sense.
LUKE: Well, it’s going in mine.
JOHN: You’re a dick, Luke. But, like, whatevs. It’s not that memorable.
JESUS: I thirst!
JOHN: See, I like that. Direct, to the point. That’s mine.
LUKE: You’re kidding me.
JOHN: What?
LUKE: No one’s going to care if he’s thirsty or not. I mean, I’m thirsty, too, but you’re not going to write that down.
JOHN: You’re not being crucified.
LUKE: Oh, so if I was being nailed to a cross, I could say I was thirsty - and that would be gospel-worthy?
JOHN: Yeh, yeh, it would be.
LUKE: You’re an idiot.  What if he said he wanted a burger?  Would you put that in?
JOHN: Yes.  It relates to the human experience.
LUKE: Well, it’s not going in my gospel.
JOHN: Suit yourself.
MARY MAGDELINE: Maybe you should write everything down.
ALL MEN: Shut up, Mary!
JESUS: My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?
MATTHEW: Mine!
LUKE: Mine!
JOHN: Nah, not memorable.
LUKE: You are shitting me. You’re going to put in ‘I thirst’ but not ‘why have you forsaken me?’
JOHN: No point.
LUKE: Why not?
JOHN: Nobody says ‘forsaken’. What an elitist word.
LUKE: You’re unbelievable.
JESUS: Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.
LUKE: Now there’s one we can agree on.
JOHN: Mmm, nah.
LUKE: Oh I don’t believe this.  He’s giving his spirit to God, John.  That’s gospel-worthy!
JOHN: Still sounds elitist to me.
JESUS: It is finished.
JOHN: Mine!
LUKE: Jesus Christ!
JESUS: Yes?
LUKE: Oh, sorry, not you. Carry on.

Jesus dies.  The four go off to get a burger and discuss a possible sequel.

* * * *

Thus, despite or because of this slackerly delay in getting their religious house in order, the Christians should create a new version of the book. An Old and New And Improved Testament, if you will.

I will scrawl out a few particularly ugly passages, which atheists often utilize, and suggest substitutions, to displace these arguments altogether.

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Ugly Passage 1. “And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire.” (Leviticus 21:9)

Correction 1: “And if the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, shall be called a very naughty girl and instructed not to do it again.”

Correction 2: “For the man needs the woman and the woman needs the man. One can be a little bit country; the other can be a little bit rock and roll. But, come on, kids, we can get along.”

Correction 3: “Everyone should shut up when someone else is talking.”

Ugly Passage 4: “And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters, which the LORD they God hath given thee, in the siege, and in the straightness, wherewith thine enemies shall distress thee:” (Deuteronomy 28:53)

Correction 4: “Don’t eat your kids.”

Ugly Passage 5: “This said the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun.” (II Samuel 12:11)

Correction 5: “If you’re going to schtupp another guy’s wife, wear sunscreen.”

Correction 6: “Don’t kill people, dude.”

Ugly Passage 7: “But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.” (Matthew 5:39)

Correction 7: This isn’t particularly an ugly passage, but I don’t know any christians who believe in it. If you think I’m wrong, go to a church next Sunday and punch someone in the face. See what happens.

Ugly Passage 8: Moses says, “Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the LORD. Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.” (Numbers 31:16-18)

Correction 8: “Moses says, put your hands on your head. Moses says, put your hands on your hips. Put your hands on your nose. Aha! Moses didn’t say ‘Moses Says’!”

Ugly Passage 9: “The righteous shall rejoice when he sees the vengeance. He shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked.” (Psalms 58:10)

Correction 9: “Oops I did it again. I played with your heart. Got lost in the game.”

Ugly Passage 10: “If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart. Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.” (Malachi 2:2-3)

Correction 10: “Oh shit.”