Poetry & Blindfolds

In response to an article (posted on Facebook by my friend Peter) entitled “Why Do Americans Keep Getting Suckered By Right-Wing Lies?” I postulated:

 

Vincent: In my experience, lefties are a bit more about giving everyone a fair shake; righties are a bit more about giving themselves and their friends a fair shake. Since most people are generally selfish, the latter is usually a far more attractive yoke to bear.

 

This inspired a fellow named Sterlin to comment:

 

Sterlin: Vincet, why should we be obligated to give anyone anything at all? What’s wrong with preserving our own self-interest?

 

Vincent: Sterli, your first question is very interesting. So I’m not going to give you an answer.

 

Sterlin: That’s pretty much how I saw this conversation panning out, but I at least gave you the benefit of the doubt.

 

At this point, I knew two things about Sterlin.  (1) He had little or no developed sense of humor. (2) He was jumping from questions to personal attacks within two comments, so the prospect for a constructive, let alone “light”, conversation was slim to none.  And so off we went on one of my favorite internet cat-and-mouse games I’ve played recently.

 

Vincent: Just trying on the ‘why should we give anyone anything’ philosophy on for size. Doesn’t fit – a bit small – but I like to at least try to be on the same page as those who engage me.

 

Sterlin: I never said that’s it not okay to give things to someone. (what? – ed.) I’m all for the freedom of charity and the notion that anyone can give their property to whomever they choose. I’m merely trying to understand where your posistion actually is, and if we differ, or if I see fault, we can hash out the details through debate.

 

Vincent: Sterli, I’m not sure why you would ask “why should we be obligated to give anyone anything at all?” and then add “I never said that’s it not okay to give things to someone.” I’m deathly afraid of getting into a debate with you based on those statements, as I fully expect you to say “why is the sky blue?” followed by “I never said the sky wasn’t blue.” I find such an approach disingenuous at best.

 

Sterlin: “Obligated” is the key word vincet. Your reading comprehension is a bit off today.

 

Vincent: Sterli, you introduced the concept of obligation; I didn’t. Your ability to know what you’re writing is a little off today. Another reason why debate would be a fool’s errand.

 

Sterlin: You’re dancing around the implications of your argument. You said that “In my experience, lefties are a bit more about giving everyone a fair shake; righties are a bit more about giving themselves and their friends a fair shake.”  Is this not a ridiclous assumption to make in the first place? You didn’t even deny the fact that I used the “concept obligation.” In that space you’re basically agreeing with it. Vincent why is it that “righties” are more into giving themselves and their friends a fairshake? Think about the conclusion of your argument.  If the concept of obligation is not inherent in what you’ve said please clarify. But I doubt that you can do that. I’d love to see what you have to say.

 

Sterlin: If my ability to know what I’m writing about is a little off, yours is worse.  This makes you a hypocrit.

 

Vincent: Congratulations, sir, on giving yourself massive amounts of credit by winning a debate that we are not having. Further, you have my admiration for trying to goad me into a debate, long after I clearly stated I would not have one. I am particularly fond of the boorish insults that you have attached to your sentiments, the kind of which I have not experience in-person since I was eight years old (and extra kudos for concluding I am a hypocrit [sic] when I made no contradictory statement). Since I cannot graciously admit defeat, as there is no debate, I can only wish you well with your hollow victory. Well played.

 

Sterlin: It must be a very secure place to make outrageous and presumptive claims and then not have the integrity and grace to back them up.  You, sir, deserve the congratualtions.

 

Vincent: I confess, Sterli, to being unsure what “congratualtions” are, but if they are anything like congratulations, I am touched by the intent but must refuse them. But I am increasingly in awe of your ability to compound insult onto insult – that could not be an easy task! It has been years since I was able to be so challenging and insulting to people, while demanding debate and declaring myself the winner in a few short exchanges, but I was very unhappy and self-loathing in those days. Fortunately, I now find people who employ this method to be the source of great entertainment and laughter. This is for you: ha ha.

 

Sterlin: It would have been more accurate of me to call you a coward. That would have been the real insult.

 

Vincent: Indeed! I must confide to you that your insults are not so much effective as laughably transparent. No doubt your friends, presuming you have any, have told you the same. However, I do not wish to discourage you from your well-honed talent at being a “keyboard commando”. It takes a certain kind of intelligence to call someone a “coward” while being behind a computer screen. On that front, as well as our debate that never happened, you are the victor.

 

Sterlin: It’s funner to goad you into whining. Keep going.

 

Vincent: I sincerely appreciate the gymnastics you want to go through in an effort to make yourself appear clever. Nothing appears to be more “funner”, does it?

 

Sterlin: Yes, Yes. Continue.

 

Vincent: You are too kind! What we have determined here, Sterli, and something I suspected from the beginning, is that you did not want a debate at all. Rather, you wanted someone to have an online fight with. I have done my best to humor you, as one does with any misbehaving bitch with distemper, but find myself disinterested in your one-note solipsism.

 

 

Sterlin: Vincent, in all honesty, I did want to debate. I wanted to know why you said what you said, and why you think what you think. I didn’t intend the conversation to move in this direction, which is basically a waste of both of our time. I’m just curious why you didn’t say “I don’t want to debate this,” instead of making some assumptions about my philosophy when you don’t really know anything about me. Instead of making these assumptions, you could have asked me a question and I would have explained. The things you said to me where just as much as an insult as the things I said to you. Perhaps I went about trying to start a debate with you the wrong way. Perhaps I was just as presumptuous.

 

 

 

*crickets*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kyle Ramos is, in many ways, a fellow rogue creator.  He has very clever ideas and executes them his way, as I try to do with my various plays, books, films, etc.  As a result, we have a creative and comic shorthand between us that might, or should, offend most people.  The below, lifted from a chat he and I had recently, illustrates this quite well.  NSFW.

 

 

Vincent Truman: how’s everything in ramosville? going well, i hope.

Kyle Ramos: as well as can be, I suppose.  the crisis du jour recently is that I feel like I’m not a nice person, and I’m trying to be nicer.

Vincent Truman: my god, man! why?

Kyle Ramos: haha, excellent question.  for example, I’m not going back to california for thanksgiving so I’m stuck in new york, so I say “why not help at a soup kitchen?”  an idea, that is in theory WAY better than execution.  I’m going to HATE it

Vincent Truman: still, good to have on your emotional resume so you can mention it at parties.

 Kyle Ramos: then it occurred to me, I could just lie to everyone, because they’re all out of town, and reap the benefits.

Vincent Truman: why make it a soup kitchen then? why not say you stopped an islamic suicide bomber?  “you don’t wanna do this in times square, buddy… it’s christmas!”  see where i’m going with this?

Kyle Ramos: hahahhaa

Vincent Truman: it’s like 911 meets the grinch

 

Kyle Ramos: btw, advice for the future.  if you’re in nyc again, 9/11 jokes actually offend.  not just fake, “I’m a liberal that’s so wrong”

 Vincent Truman: of course. it’s theirs.  ever notice how many ‘chicago fire’ jokes you heard while in the windy city?   none, right?

Kyle Ramos: like aids to san francisco

Vincent Truman: retards to texas.

 

Kyle Ramos: tell me though, how do you feel the production is shaping up?

Vincent Truman: it’s sharp/sleek/engaging. the actors, when they’re ON, are quite good.   i’m slightly more pleased with this than with ‘assassin’

Kyle Ramos: that’s good.  ive been to a few shows out here, I don’t know what it is, whether experience or whatever, but I honestly cannot stand watching live theater – I just imagine what pains in the ass all the people are

Vincent Truman: hahahahah it does!  when I see a show now, i can tell that the director and actor had words about a certain bit of blocking, because an actor who doesn’t want to do a bit of blocking does it in a very ‘i don’t want to do this so I’m going to make it look bad’ way

 

Kyle Ramos: it really makes me wonder, in all honesty, if I’m ready to just hand scripts off to directors/companies and let them deal with it all

Vincent Truman: sounds appealing? or not appealing?

 Kyle Ramos: double edged sword.  it allows you to be more productive, off that show goes, you can start writing a new one and keep a good pace.  but on the other end, quality control.  the trouble with most theaters and actors is that they’re really not very good  “come see my improv team tonight, its only 5 bucks!”

 

Kyle Ramos: how has press and promotion been going?

Vincent Truman: pretty spotty, actually. finding where to send press releases and track down reviewers is turning into an art in and of itself. all my email contacts from ‘assassin’ are pretty much dead.  but I have a naked girl on the poster. 

Kyle Ramos: smart

 Vincent Truman: maybe i’ll get some guys who just want to choke the chicken

Kyle Ramos: charge extra for a clean up sock

 Vincent Truman: i figure $5 for the cum sock, and $1 for the adhesive that they can put on their navel and taint.  then they can just jerk off IN the sock, y’see

Kyle Ramos: and that is what experience gets you.  key insights like that

 Vincent Truman: hey! let’s do a series of greeting cards!  no matter what’s on the front cover, when people open the card, it’s a small, crusty cum sock  ehhhhhhh?

 Kyle Ramos: nice egg nog color on the sock.  really ties in the theme

Vincent Truman: with little candy treats within the lumps

As the audition for “The Observatory” draws near, I find myself feeling sexy.  I know I have a good piece of work, I know the venue will suit the play, I know my ratio of good press v. bad press is right where I want it, I know I will get to work with a great cast (due to the sheer volume and quality of those who have expressed interest so far), I know I will save tons of money by holding rehearsals at my house, I know the eventual DVD will be brilliant and I know I’ll get to pay everyone when all is said and done.  To me, this is the sexy.

 

These last few days, I have reviewed and re-reviewed the CVs and headshots that have poured into the email inbox I set up for the show.  Several things have struck me, but most of all, I am struck by how many women are interested in auditioning.  In days gone by, I would get lucky if I had half a dozen women auditioning for a piece; the ratio has completely reversed itself for this show.  This I find very encouraging; I often like writing for women, as I find women to be more complex than my half of the species, but I have filed away so many pieces because I didn’t think I could cast them properly.  Perhaps that’s worth revisiting now.

 

And yet, despite all this sexy sexiness, I do feel like I’m in a bit of a mourning period.  My fab friend, Melissa Malan, who helmed “The Tearful Assassin” two years ago and has been a frequent collaborator on other projects (including Suspicious Clowns’ last show, “Today Is Stupid” and “Gless”), is off to Los Angeles.  I’ve said goodbye to dozens of folks who were LA-bound, but it was Mel’s party that I went from stoic well-wisher into burbling, crying idiot.  It is no coincidence that the most complex character in “The Observatory” is a woman named Marissa, so profound has Melissa’s influence been on me.

 

When I was a kid, my favorite Christmas song was “Little Drummer Boy.”  I liked the fact that this poor bastard could play his drum as a gift and have it accepted as such.  As I’ve grown into adulthood, I’ve always leaned towards my own work as being presents for the ones I love.  A short story called “The Thin Pink Line” was written for my friend Tina; my first book, “Ugly Bungalow”, was written for my wife, Jennifer; “The Observatory”, however unintentional, is my present to Melissa.  I hope I do her proud.