Poetry & Blindfolds

Kyle Ramos is, in many ways, a fellow rogue creator.  He has very clever ideas and executes them his way, as I try to do with my various plays, books, films, etc.  As a result, we have a creative and comic shorthand between us that might, or should, offend most people.  The below, lifted from a chat he and I had recently, illustrates this quite well.  NSFW.

 

 

Vincent Truman: how’s everything in ramosville? going well, i hope.

Kyle Ramos: as well as can be, I suppose.  the crisis du jour recently is that I feel like I’m not a nice person, and I’m trying to be nicer.

Vincent Truman: my god, man! why?

Kyle Ramos: haha, excellent question.  for example, I’m not going back to california for thanksgiving so I’m stuck in new york, so I say “why not help at a soup kitchen?”  an idea, that is in theory WAY better than execution.  I’m going to HATE it

Vincent Truman: still, good to have on your emotional resume so you can mention it at parties.

 Kyle Ramos: then it occurred to me, I could just lie to everyone, because they’re all out of town, and reap the benefits.

Vincent Truman: why make it a soup kitchen then? why not say you stopped an islamic suicide bomber?  “you don’t wanna do this in times square, buddy… it’s christmas!”  see where i’m going with this?

Kyle Ramos: hahahhaa

Vincent Truman: it’s like 911 meets the grinch

 

Kyle Ramos: btw, advice for the future.  if you’re in nyc again, 9/11 jokes actually offend.  not just fake, “I’m a liberal that’s so wrong”

 Vincent Truman: of course. it’s theirs.  ever notice how many ‘chicago fire’ jokes you heard while in the windy city?   none, right?

Kyle Ramos: like aids to san francisco

Vincent Truman: retards to texas.

 

Kyle Ramos: tell me though, how do you feel the production is shaping up?

Vincent Truman: it’s sharp/sleek/engaging. the actors, when they’re ON, are quite good.   i’m slightly more pleased with this than with ‘assassin’

Kyle Ramos: that’s good.  ive been to a few shows out here, I don’t know what it is, whether experience or whatever, but I honestly cannot stand watching live theater – I just imagine what pains in the ass all the people are

Vincent Truman: hahahahah it does!  when I see a show now, i can tell that the director and actor had words about a certain bit of blocking, because an actor who doesn’t want to do a bit of blocking does it in a very ‘i don’t want to do this so I’m going to make it look bad’ way

 

Kyle Ramos: it really makes me wonder, in all honesty, if I’m ready to just hand scripts off to directors/companies and let them deal with it all

Vincent Truman: sounds appealing? or not appealing?

 Kyle Ramos: double edged sword.  it allows you to be more productive, off that show goes, you can start writing a new one and keep a good pace.  but on the other end, quality control.  the trouble with most theaters and actors is that they’re really not very good  “come see my improv team tonight, its only 5 bucks!”

 

Kyle Ramos: how has press and promotion been going?

Vincent Truman: pretty spotty, actually. finding where to send press releases and track down reviewers is turning into an art in and of itself. all my email contacts from ‘assassin’ are pretty much dead.  but I have a naked girl on the poster. 

Kyle Ramos: smart

 Vincent Truman: maybe i’ll get some guys who just want to choke the chicken

Kyle Ramos: charge extra for a clean up sock

 Vincent Truman: i figure $5 for the cum sock, and $1 for the adhesive that they can put on their navel and taint.  then they can just jerk off IN the sock, y’see

Kyle Ramos: and that is what experience gets you.  key insights like that

 Vincent Truman: hey! let’s do a series of greeting cards!  no matter what’s on the front cover, when people open the card, it’s a small, crusty cum sock  ehhhhhhh?

 Kyle Ramos: nice egg nog color on the sock.  really ties in the theme

Vincent Truman: with little candy treats within the lumps

The False Positives is a band that started from the deepest, warmest love and a malfunctioning pregnancy test.  Sven Gutentag and Marta Vashentung  were two musicians in the bustling Wank-haus district in the small village town of Wank, Germany.  Sven specialized in singalong drones, while Marta found infinite inspiration from playing music on animals.

During a performance at Vunnan Atoo’s Open Mic night, Sven’s seventeen-minute opus, “C Major”, was interrupted by some of Marta’s more vocal dik-diks, which burst from their pen and knocked Sven headlong into the glockenspiel.   Marta nursed his injuries, including one he didn’t mention he had, and the next morning, the two embarked on a journey to their local pharmacist, at which it was revealed that Marta was with child.  The two dumped the infant on the side on the road and bought some pregnancy tests, all of which came up positive.

Sven, inspired by the pee-penned sticks, began to write a new piece, entitled “A Minor”, in praise of his to-be-born offspring.  Marta encouraged him by locking Sven in an attic cage with the ocelots.  Because of bad architecture, Sven soon found himself, along with some floorboard from the attic, back in Marta’s bed and the two made love passionately.  It was only the following day, when Sven discovered Marta had a gig that night, that he had to apologize to the ocelot.

Enraged by this infidelity, Marta began to write songs by hitting Sven with various pieces of cutlery and dishes.  Her rarely heard demo, “You Had Sex With An Ocelot?”, has long been thought to be one of her most rarely heard demos.  Soon the two of them were throwing pieces back and forth at each other with such cadence that nearly a whole album was written.

Marta and Sven headed into the studio in Kolonoscopie, Switzerland, along with their friends Uta, Bling and Notajew.  There they laid down such tracks as “Love U When Ur Far Away” and “Your Favorite Addiction” as well as a demo track of “Alaja”, a sound that Marta made when she sneezed.  But they had yet to find the true name of the band.

Then Marta didn’t get bigger.  And the name was found.

The group soldiered on, with Sven grateful that he didn’t have to be nice to Marta anymore.  “Anonymous” was followed by “Not Girls” which was followed by another song with a title.  “Our sound is the sound of shoe stores and hair dressers,” said Sven, hoping a reporter was around.  None was, but Uta, who wrote down everything she heard, scribbled it into her notepad.

So what is the sound of the False Positives?  Inspired by European trance and pop, the songs vary from the guitar-trance of “The Painting Of” to the Summer-of-Love-trance of “Sunny Sunny Sun” to the trance-trance of “Someone’s In My Heart Tonight.”  “We call it N Trance,” explained Marta to Uta, knowing she would write it down.  “Someone’s already done that,” countered Sven.  “Oh, well never mind,” shrugged Marta and left the clinic.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“False Positives” is a real album, recorded by me.  The above is just nonsense.

http://www.lulu.com/content/compact-disc/false-positives/8350468