Poetry & Blindfolds

Jay Smith, Consultant to Vincent Truman

 

Hi Vincent,

 

A pleasant day.  I’m Jay Smith a Marketing Specialist in Bookwhirl.com.

 

I came across your book entitled, “Touching Base” .We are interested to promote it and we’d like to help you reach out up to 5,000,000 individuals and let them know about you and your work.   If you are interested, please give me a call at 1 877 207-1679 ext 307 or you may reply to this email. I’d be grateful to give you more information about this.

 

Hope to hear from you soon

 

Sincerely,

Jay Smith

Consultant

 

 

Vincent Truman to Jay Smith, Consultant

 

Dear Jay:

 

Thanks for your email.  I’d be interested in hearing a bit more from you on the topic of promoting ‘Touching Base’.  Specifically, if you can give me an idea of the ideal demographic you would market ‘Touching Base’ to and how you arrived at such an idea, that would be great. 

 

Best,

 

Vincent

 

 

 

Jay Smith, Consultant to Vincent Truman

 

Hi Vincent,

 

Thank you for this prompt reply. Yes we can promote your book through a targeted market. Because we have this service which is Email Ad Campaign this is very aggressive since we will create a massive e-mail broadcast of your book that are specially designed to hit e-mail subscriber who have opted to receive commercial marketing messages, according to their specific interest. So with regard to your book we will send an ad to interested recipients only so there will be a big possibility that you will have more book sales.

 

Please let me know if you have any questions I’ll be happy to answer it.

 

Thanks.

 

Sincerely,

Jay Smith

Consultant

 

 

Vincent Truman to Jay Smith, Consultant

 

Jay:

 

Thanks so much for replying!  Where did you see my book and how did you choose that title out of all of the others?

 

Thanks again -

 

Vincent

 

 

Jay Smith, Consultant to Vincent Truman

 

Hi Vincent,

 

We have a researcher in our company and their job is to search for potential authors and their works. And if our research team found out that the book has potential and substance they will going to give the lists of authors and their corresponding information to me and as a specialist I’ll be the one to help authors promote their books through our services. I hope I was able to answer all the questions that you’ve asked.

 

Thanks.

 

 Sincerely,

Jay Smith

Consultant

 

Vincent Truman to Jay Smith, Consultant

 

Jay:

 

Thanks again for your timely answer.  Unfortunately, both of my simple questions seem to have generated vague, unsatisfying responses.  They could be about any author, any book.

 

As you know, a major component of marketing is the first impression that a marketing team or specialist conveys.    Another component is engaging the target on a personal level.  I fear you have failed on both of these levels and I have a hard time thinking your marketing campaign would be any more focused or representative of what I have produced to date. 

 

Thank you for your interest.  If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask.

 

Best,

 

Vincent

 

 

Jay Smith, Consultant to Vincent Truman

 

Hi Vincent,

 

I understand your decision. Well, if that’s what you think I can’t do something about it. Anyway, good luck to your books I hope it will do well.

 

Sincerely,

Jay Smith

Consultant

 

 

 

Vincent Truman to Jay Smith, Consultant

 

Many thanks, Jay!

 

I do want you to know that I offer proofreading and tutoring services and would be delighted to assist you.  For instance, “good luck to your books I hope it will do well” is confusing.  You rightly wrote I have “books” (plural) but then you hope that “it” (singular) does well.  Additionally, you conveyed two separate thoughts yet failed to separate them with a period or semi-colon.  You will certainly agree that marketing books yet conveying little knowledge of language and grammar might negatively impact your success.

 

However, I am confident I can help you reverse that and obtain greater success.  Act now and I will give you the first consultation (above) for free!

 

I look forward to hearing from you and helping you realize your dreams!

 

Best,

 

Vincent

 

 

On Wednesday, May 20, 2009, I ended my 15,988^th consecutive day of being surgery-free as I went under the knife to have two hernias attended to.  Actually, I did not go under the knife; I went under the things that poke holes in me to stick in lights, mesh and puff up my middle section like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon.

 

Naturally enough, I remember nothing of the surgery.   The day’s activities – from admission to interviews to the surgery to the post-care to the wheelchair making sure the elevator doors didn’t hit me on the ass on the way out – were militaristic and meticulous.  By the time I remembered to think of a few Last Words that I might want to say in the operating room, I already had three new holes below my navel in an area that hasn’t been that hairless since I was 12.

 

The adventures have all been post-surgery and have all involved re-learning basic skills.  Walking, standing, sitting, sleeping, drinking, laughing, coughing: these were all brand new challenges in the first twelve hours.  These were all warm-ups, though, to the ultimate challenge of the day.  For the surgical procedure, I had urethral catheterization (in layman’s terms, this can be defined as ‘tube up the dick’), so I was warned that urinating might initially come with a burning sensation.  It was certainly burning: the first bit of urine felt like someone lighting a match and holding it at the end of my penis.  But there was so much more!  This was followed by the sensation of someone else dumping molten lava on my genitalia, followed by various extreme hot sauces available at authentic Mexican restaurants chunking their way out of my urethra, followed by a sting that was evocative an STD if it was carried by a wasp and that wasp was intent on stinging only the end of my penis.  Repeatedly.

 

Because this was my first surgery, my body reacted in very odd ways.  The oddest was my genitalia, which grew massive and blue and lumpy and purple and pushed my thighs apart, so much so that my walking resembled a very old horse-ridin’ gunfighter from 1880.  At times, my penis and testicles chose to resemble three large decaying grapefruit filled with meat. 

 

The wonders of relearning how to defecate will the spared here.  Suffice to say that it has been an adventure in and of itself.  Let me paint this minor male-centric picture: of course, one has to sit when one takes a poo.  However, when one’s abdomen is distended and healing, it also disallows the ability to tuck oneself to point into the bowl.  So one has to combine balance, necessity, aim and precision into a situation in which you have little balance, aim or precision into a procedure that normally only takes some amusing reading material.

 

During this time, my girlfriend embarked on her monthly pre-PMS routine and her breasts became swollen and sensitive.  Thus, in the most comedic turn of the recovery process, we could only hug as long as I did not touch her breasts and she did not touch my stomach.  A shoulder pat and a holding of breath.

 

Four days later, I am putting on jeans for the first time and am going from sitting to standing in time measurable in seconds, not minutes.  Now I can focus on more important things, like stretching out the Vicodin supply for as long as possible…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Vince:

At this point in time, mid-May 1983, you are getting ready to graduate high school.  You have been living with your father, whose kindest nickname in the family is “Mad Jack”, for nearly three years.   And you have invested in defensive ticks and antisocial behavior that I am pleased to say thrive in me, your older self.

You’re still fumbling around love, trying to figure out what it is and how it works and how far you can stretch it.  In 1983, you are at the tail end of being involved in a clutch of people that, believe me, are better left in 1983.  You know the gang well.  There’s the girls – Katie, Arlieta, Kim and Katie’s sister, Wendy – and the boys – Tom, Jim, you and Mark.  All of you are incestuous friends, swapping dating partners like people share snack food (“oh this is good, taste this!”).  As you leave high school, they will all vanish from your life pretty quickly.  Jim will eventually marry Wendy, that girl you really liked – so much so, that you knew better than to ruin her mood by having her date you.  Kim will date the manager at a Burger King.   Katie will work at a truck stop or something.

 This fall, you will meet a woman called Linda who will change your life.   Let her.  You will meet a few other Lindas between then and now, as well as Catherines, Susans and Jennifers.   You will date so many Lindas, Catherines, Susans and Jennifers that – I kid you not – you will number them in your mind to keep track.   And, for the record, you will never date anyone called Mabooba.

But enough on that.  Look at you.  As I picture you in my mind, I can feel the unruly hair, the smooth face, the yearning for experience, the look in your eyes so hopeful that we adults can only parody it.  And I feel that part of you that feels ancillary at best in any given situation (obvious to anyone who will track your liberal-arts early college career).   I wish I could tell you that you’ve since had a breakthrough and that you actually matter enough to at least a few people, so much so that your absence would be intolerable.   You don’t get there, I’m afraid.  Wait til Mad Jack dies and see what happens.

But I don’t say these things to be discouraging, because you do survive and do you have some really excellent experiences.  I just wanted to write and let you know someone’s thinking of you.   Keep writing stuff down and nuturing your talents; they will come in handy someday.  Keep being random; it’ll inform your style.  Keep questioning the status quo; it’ll lead you to question yourself.  Keep treating others and you wish they’d treat you; it might not always work out but - so what?   Keep that look in your eyes alive, even if you have to hide it away sometimes; it’ll keep me afloat.

As much of a dweeb you think you are, I do wish I was more like you. 

Love from 2009,

Vincent

PS. Don’t worry about smoking.  I know you can take or leave it now, and still think it’s gross, but there will come a time when you’re addicted to the stuff.  But don’t sweat it: it’s a good way to handle stress and your older version kicked the habit.