Poetry & Blindfolds

Written in 2006; posted in 2009 cuz I liked it.

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I often think that one of the things that is wrong with the world is childrens’ stories, specifically the ones with a moral.  I believe that these moral-ridden stories set up far too many of us to be far too caring and thoughtful in a world where wisdom is, more and more, an iffy proposition.

Thus, I suggest revisiting and retooling the childrens’ stories from all of our younger, impressionable years to bring them in line with the morality of the day. 

Examples follow.

Once upon a time there was a girl called Little Red Riding Hood.  One day, while skipping through the woods on her way to Grandma’s house, she got eaten by a wolf.  An Amber Alert was sent out and a website called littleredridinghoodcomehome.com was set up, but no one found her.  Eventually, after her parents were on “Larry King Live” a half dozen times and put out a book or two, Little Red Riding Hood suddenly, miraculously was completely forgotten about.  The end.

Once upon a time there was a doll maker named Gepetto.  Gepetto worked long and hard on his dolls, to the delight of the children in the village.  Often, Gepetto would simply look out his window to see dozens of children playing with his dolls, and he was so happy, he wept.  One day, Gepetto got bought out by a conglomerate of the toy industry and died penniless, despite the fact his creations sold millions.  The end.

Once upon a time there were three bears: Poppa Bear, Momma Bear and little Baby Bear.  One day, after breakfast, they all got shot with armor-piercing bullets.  The end.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful maiden who, because she was rejected by her parents, came to live with seven midgets: Humpy, Prickly, Lappy, Booby, Crappy, Sticky and Damp.  Eww.  The end.

Once upon a time there was a brother and sister named Hansel and Gretel.  Hansel and Gretel loved the woods.  In fact, they loved the woods so much that they bought all of the woods for below market value and wound up evicting a witch, who had no visible means of support and wound up selling her ass to buy soup.  The end.

Once upon a time there was an omnipotent being that willed into being a beautiful paradise for his living creations to thrive in.  One day, he got all pissed off, kicked them out and flooded the world.  The end.