Poetry & Blindfolds

I tend to avoid writing overtly religious blogs, but this one just came to me and I wanted to get it down fast.

In one of the religious blogs I frequent, a gentleman called Jonathan said: there are several things Jesus supposedly said in his “last moments” and the disciplines recorded whatever was most memorable to them.   but guess what…. its very possible he said all of them (they never imply they were his “very last words” just the “last words” they may remember).

Odd spelling and grammar notwithstanding (aren’t they disciples, not disciplines?), I really like the idea of the four guys only writing down what they thought was memorable.

And a piece of sketch comedy is born.

_______________________

Scene: Golgotha. Jesus is wailing away on the cross. Four guys stand at his feet, with parchment and ink, listening intently.

JESUS: Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do!
LUKE: Oh I like that. (writes it down)
JOHN: What does he mean, they know not what they do? Of course they know what they’re doing.
LUKE: What do you mean?
JOHN: The Romans have killed hundreds this way.  They’ve got it down to an art form.
MATTHEW: Good point, John. That’s not going in my gospel.
JOHN: Mine either. Makes no sense.
LUKE: Well, it’s going in mine.
JOHN: You’re a dick, Luke. But, like, whatevs. It’s not that memorable.
JESUS: I thirst!
JOHN: See, I like that. Direct, to the point. That’s mine.
LUKE: You’re kidding me.
JOHN: What?
LUKE: No one’s going to care if he’s thirsty or not. I mean, I’m thirsty, too, but you’re not going to write that down.
JOHN: You’re not being crucified.
LUKE: Oh, so if I was being nailed to a cross, I could say I was thirsty - and that would be gospel-worthy?
JOHN: Yeh, yeh, it would be.
LUKE: You’re an idiot.  What if he said he wanted a burger?  Would you put that in?
JOHN: Yes.  It relates to the human experience.
LUKE: Well, it’s not going in my gospel.
JOHN: Suit yourself.
MARY MAGDELINE: Maybe you should write everything down.
ALL MEN: Shut up, Mary!
JESUS: My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?
MATTHEW: Mine!
LUKE: Mine!
JOHN: Nah, not memorable.
LUKE: You are shitting me. You’re going to put in ‘I thirst’ but not ‘why have you forsaken me?’
JOHN: No point.
LUKE: Why not?
JOHN: Nobody says ‘forsaken’. What an elitist word.
LUKE: You’re unbelievable.
JESUS: Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.
LUKE: Now there’s one we can agree on.
JOHN: Mmm, nah.
LUKE: Oh I don’t believe this.  He’s giving his spirit to God, John.  That’s gospel-worthy!
JOHN: Still sounds elitist to me.
JESUS: It is finished.
JOHN: Mine!
LUKE: Jesus Christ!
JESUS: Yes?
LUKE: Oh, sorry, not you. Carry on.

Jesus dies.  The four go off to get a burger and discuss a possible sequel.

* * * *

Here’s some fun stuff about being 43. 

1. Whereas the ratio in the 1990s used to be 1:1, these days the ratio for good pictures to bad is now 1:200.  And that’s with filters.

2. Being politely flirtatious is met with looks of horror or, worse, ambivalence.

3. You lose count of the ‘new pains’ that have surfaced in your body.

4. If you were compared to George Clooney five years ago, you are now compared to Billy Bob Thornton.

5. Good times take extraordinary effort when it comes to other people; on the other hand, good times take zero effort when alone.

6. You have no idea what or who is in the Top 100 of any chart, which is a step up from being pleased that you at least heard the name of an artist in the Top 50.

7. ‘Making it’ is based on your own standards, no longer on the standards of others’.

8. You can no longer refer to yourself as the answer to life, the universe and everything.

9. Girls of 30 look young.  Girls of 20 look so young, you expect to find bits of placenta in their hair.

10. A lot of the homeless folks you see are younger than you and you wonder what the hell happened there.

11. You will have millisecond-length previews of your elder years (example: I approached an escalator the other day and had to concentrate for a millisecond to determine if it was going up or down) and you will not like them.

12. You can sit on a crowded bus or train without a smidge of guilt that you left a woman standing.

13. You can ‘ebay’ your way to the front row of any concert, anytime.  You just don’t want to cuz it’s loud and you’re tired and people are jerks and the drinks are overpriced.

14. You hear a friend talk about utilizing his friends to help him move and you wonder why anyone would do that.

15. You have consider little tolerance for younger people making the same mistakes you made when you were their age.

16. Your memory is showing little signs of failing.  And, it’s not so bad.

17. You don’t mind stairs, but you don’t like them nearly as much.

18. Snow is no longer a source of fun.

19. You are smart enough to know that, if you knew then what you know now, you’d be completely ostracized from your peer group.

20. Perfectly solid stool = success!

Need something interesting to read?  Something full of adventure?  Honesty?  Truth?  Almonds?

Check out some good Pro-Ana (pro-anorexic) blogs! 

At least their problems are real (or they believe them to be real) and, when they stop writing – either because they’re forced into rehab or they die – you move on to the next one.  Kind of like a pet fish, only without the fish food.  Because that has calories.

I am putting in this blog some (heavily edited) bits from a diary of a girl who is – remember this –112 pounds.   I find myself caught directly between finding it hysterical and heart-breaking, and yet, the thing I feel the strongest is empathy.  Even if the source of self-doubt is not weight, I – and maybe you – can relate to how this girl feels.

* * * * *

January 5, 2007.  I feel like a billion fucken Ibs.  FASTING TILL MONDAY.  Fuck This.

January 5, 2007.  I hear alot of people always saying I’m there inspiration or what not.. everyone of you .. is my inspiration… Nicole richie is an icon!

January 16, 2007.  I’m proud of myself.. for once in my life I am eating guilt free.. for once in my life I don’t hate myself for being normal  for once in my life I am enjoying ME  and for once in my life.. I feel like I am  WORTH It….

January 20, 2007.  I FEEL WORTHLESS.

February 11, 2007.  So I am feeling good about myself I still don’t want to gain tons of weight because that won’t be good anyways so I decided to take upon weight watchers..

March 22, 2007.  One Grape ?cals / rice cake 60 cals / 3 Tablespoons of yogurt ( strawberry kind) 80 cals / barbeque with salad (NOT SURE)… at least 300-400….  CALORIES 560′ish..?
I don’t know.. oh well!  I’m done for today! I am so happy that Im done before 7pm my foods..

April 30, 2007.  Well I finally have had it.. I feel like shit I hate the way I look

May 1, 2007.  ahh I feel so much better today!  I had a few grapes 3 strawberrys and corn on the knob!

May 12, 2007.  15 almonds 2 lettuce salads.. with some feta cheese  and thats it.  in 42 days, i want to be down 25 lb.  No problem!

May 18, 2007.  mom noticed how hurt I was and reminded me of how much she loved me.. It really made me smile.. I seen a little boy on crunches the ones you wear when your legs are completely hopeless.. like you’ll never be able to enjoy walking unless they are there to support you.. I felt better after I seen that not because someone else was in pain ( NO WAY).. it reminded me of how much other people suffer around us for much more horrible things in life.. and I could only be greatful for what I have in mine… Thank you for every blessing*
I had 2 strawberrys and 3 pieces of dried fruit.. ( small)

May 23, 2007.  FINALLY SOMEONE NOTICED MY WEIGHT…
MMM I almost fell down a few times today!