I love shopping for books with me; I always seem to gravitate to books I want or feel I should be reading. A few years ago, I walked into my favorite bookstore and made a subconscious beeline to “Ariel” by Sylvia Plath (pun intended, for those familiar with the work). I had never specifically heard of “Ariel”, but it appeared it was time to read it. And it was very profound for me.
Last week, while contemplating the possibility of writing a book of my adventures as Lilly, my virtual twin who resides in the game called Second Life, I had walked in my favorite bookstore and made a beeline for “Loose Girl” by Kerry Cohen… and promptly walked the hell away from it! I was not going to buy a book called “Loose Girl” and try and explain that to Jennifer The Girlfriend, despite the fact that the girl depicted on the cover looked very much like my virtual Lilly (a character I play and portray in the virtual game, Second Life).
Nevertheless, I was drawn back to it and opened the book to a random page. I was horrified to find, written out in poetic yet not fussy prose, the experiences of my own past. Cohen’s brilliant memoir charting the highs and incredible lows when you don’t feel you’re good enough to be loved resonated instantly and so clearly, I almost felt I was broadcasting my shock and embarassment throughout the bookstore. I bought the book on the spot and have been reading it ravenously ever since.
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For everyone who was that girl.
For everyone who knew that girl.
For everyone who wondered who that girl was.
Kerry Cohen is eleven years old when she recognizes the power of her body in the leer of a grown man. Her parents are recently divorced and it doesn’t take long before their lassitude and Kerry’s desire to stand out–to be memorable in some way–combine to lead her down a path she knows she shouldn’t take. Kerry wanted attention. She wanted love. But not really understanding what love was, not really knowing how to get it, she reached for sex instead.
Loose Girl is Kerry Cohen’s captivating memoir about her descent into promiscuity and how she gradually found her way toward real intimacy. The story of addiction–not just to sex, but to male attention–Loose Girl is also the story of a young girl who came to believe that boys and men could give her life meaning. It didn’t matter who he was. It was their movement that mattered, their being together. And for a while, that was enough.
(from the promo for the book)
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As much as I can be, I have to admit I have been a Loose Girl. In many ways, I still am one.
There were numerous ‘Loose Girl’ phases I have been through, but none so pronounced as the period preceding dating my Jennifer. I was so good at Loose Girl tactics, it was like I had an internal timer that would signify the clear beginning and sharp ending to any relationship, even with those I truly cared about. When the internal timer ran out, it was time to leave. The exception came in the form of women who were not good for me or kind; for them, I would stick around until I thought they liked me - and then I’d leave.
Because a Loose Girl does not stay still; a Loose Girl is not content. A Loose Girl is convinced someone will be leaving soon. Thinking that someone is leaving soon rationalizes all sorts of bizarre and/or cruel behavior.
Even now, three years into the relationship, I’m occasionally shadowed by the fear that Jennifer will be exiting stage left and it could happen at any time, though I have tempered my old tendency of making someone leave by indulging in exceptionally bad behavior. Still, I occasionally feel my joking insistence that she will be leaving soon will eventually be met by a response of, ‘fine - you said it enough, I’m gone,’ which would lead to the eventual emotional spiral, the closest thing to a rollercoaster I can stomach.
And part of me is going for that. Because if I’m alone, no one can leave.
And the rest of me takes that part of me aside and says, ‘don’t be an asshole.’
Cohen’s book is actually helping me recognize my inner Loose Girl and come to terms with her at long last, although Lilly, my virtual mannequin-turned-mirror, started me on this road in the first place.
I don’t write to book authors for two reasons: 1. I hate to be considered a fan of anything. 2. I feel that, through their books, I am seeing into their hearts and minds, but they don’t know anything about me. So any correspondonece is like a one-sided love affair. We’ve all had them. Example: ”I love you!” “That’s nice!”
Despite this, I did write to Kerry Cohen. I expressly thanked her for the book and how much it has instantly meant to me. She wrote back today, in fact, and although I would not repost her email verbatim out of respect, I can say she was appreciative and that emails like mine “filled me.”
I was touched that she wrote. Then, taking a moment to consider the content of her book compared to what she wrote me, I did a double-take and laughed. “Filled me”? Well, once a Loose Girl, always a Loose Girl…
Trust me, I know. And so does she.
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