Bible 2.0

By Vincent Truman On April 14th, 2008
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The concept behind Bible 2.0 is to eradicate all of the stories and fragments that atheists often cite as part of their arguments against the idiocy of religion and replace them instead with light, happy, encouraging stories and fragments. The precedent is already in place: the earliest gospels in which Jesus is a subject arrived on the scene several decades after his (alleged) death (equivalent to you or I starting to write about Elvis today) and the Bible itself did not really come together until Emporer Constantine saw the Christians as a viable, yet disparate, force to be reckoned with – in the early 300s A.D. – although it took over 100 more years to create the first unified manuscript, thanks to the negotiations between the Christian factions in Rome, Constantinople, Antioch, Caesaria, Jerusalem, Alexandria and Carthage.

Thus, despite or because of this slackerly delay in getting their religious house in order, the Christians should create a new version of the book. An Old and New And Improved Testament, if you will.

I will scrawl out a few particularly ugly passages, which atheists often utilize, and suggest substitutions, to displace these arguments altogether.

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Ugly Passage 1. “And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire.” (Leviticus 21:9)

Correction 1: “And if the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, shall be called a very naughty girl and instructed not to do it again.”

 

 

Ugly Passage 2: “For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.” (I Corinthians 11:8-9)

Correction 2: “For the man needs the woman and the woman needs the man. One can be a little bit country; the other can be a little bit rock and roll. But, come on, kids, we can get along.”

 

 

Ugly Passage 3: “Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.” (I Corinthians 14:34-35)

Correction 3: “Everyone should shut up when someone else is talking.”

 

Ugly Passage 4: “And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters, which the LORD they God hath given thee, in the siege, and in the straightness, wherewith thine enemies shall distress thee:” (Deuteronomy 28:53)

Correction 4: “Don’t eat your kids.”

 

Ugly Passage 5: “This said the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun.” (II Samuel 12:11)

Correction 5: “If you’re going to schtupp another guy’s wife, wear sunscreen.”

 

 

Ugly Passage 6: “Proclaim ye this among the Gentiles; Prepare war, wake up the mighty men, let all the men of war draw near; let them come up: Beat your plowshares into swords, and your pruninghooks into spears: let the weak say, I am strong.” (Joel 3:9-10)

Correction 6: “Don’t kill people, dude.”

 

Ugly Passage 7: “But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.” (Matthew 5:39)

Correction 7: This isn’t particularly an ugly passage, but I don’t know any christians who believe in it. If you think I’m wrong, go to a church next Sunday and punch someone in the face. See what happens.

 

Ugly Passage 8: Moses says, “Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the LORD. Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.” (Numbers 31:16-18)

Correction 8: “Moses says, put your hands on your head. Moses says, put your hands on your hips. Put your hands on your nose. Aha! Moses didn’t say ‘Moses Says’!”

 

Ugly Passage 9: “The righteous shall rejoice when he sees the vengeance. He shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked.” (Psalms 58:10)

Correction 9: “Oops I did it again. I played with your heart. Got lost in the game.”

 

Ugly Passage 10: “If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart. Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.” (Malachi 2:2-3)

Correction 10: “Oh shit.”

Posted in Humor, Philosophy, Religion |

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